Inspiration

Solitude, a redux

Posted by Liz on Mar 21, 2011 in Inspiration | 5 comments

[Image: James Abbott McNeill Whistler, Nocturne]

Two years ago I wrote a post about the distinction between solitude and being alone. In it, I discussed how important it is to take time for yourself but not to block yourself off from others so much that you become very much alone and the alone time, all consuming.

I am reposting this piece for two reasons:

Emotional pain can cause us to go deeply inside ourselves, pain and worry for a loved one, concern for a friend, fear of loss. A short stint alone to sort out those feelings can be imperative for some. But then, it’s time to face those fears or concerns or pain head-on.

I did that this past weekend. I learned a lot about myself and confirmed that more often than not, your own pain is not always as important as another’s, that the best antidote for the yearn and urge to run is to move towards and not away from your fears.

So, I give you solitude. And I take back mine, if only, for a day or so…

The French novelist Colette once wrote:

“There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall.”

I have always been a person who needs and cherishes my alone time. In fact, being alone is often a deliberate choice rather than something that is forced upon me. As we get older, solitude allows a break from the busy-ness of life, from the noise, from the distractions. It rejuvenates the soul and provides an opportunity to look closely within, to take stock, to gain clarity and balance.

However, as Colette so aptly says, it can also be detrimental to our health when our needs or when fears, allow solitude to become all-consuming.

At times, immersing oneself in solitude may be the correct path. Other times, solitude may lead to a burrowing that is so deep, that in the end, not only do you lose those who care for you, but your soul as well.

Poetic license with Lao-Tsu: It takes strength to love someone deeply. It takes courage to allow yourself to be deeply loved.

One more thing. Strength lies in stepping outside the comfort zone. That is the true path to growth, even when it means you have to set aside the comfort of your burrow or cave.

Wednesday Bubble: Becoming Bendy. A guest post by Patti Digh

Posted by Liz on Feb 9, 2011 in Inspiration, women's health | 2 comments

Are you a resolutionist, you know, one of those people who make a pact to change [fill in the blank] every New Year’s only to find that you’re slacking about three weeks later and by week four, you’ve already forgotten  your promise to yourself ?

Been there, done that. Yes, we all have. However, sooner or later, we all end up facing our demons and excuses and backtracks and are forced to a long hard look and truly acknowledge that we don’t like everything we see. Sometimes, it’s that constant nagging that just won’t go away, and others, it’s a health scare or the loss of someone close that kicks our butt one last night and propels us into real action. My friend Patti Digh, who’s previously graced the Flashfree pages, recently agreed to let me share the hard look she’s taken at herself and her quest to ‘become bendy.’ Welcome back Patti!

I had a revelation this past year. Two of them, actually. Okay, three. Or twelve.

One: My husband, John, created a video for our oldest daughter’s graduation from high school, one documenting Emma’s life since birth to that moment of leaving home, going to college, walking into the world on her own. As I watched this beautiful progression of her life, it became so, so clear to me that I have spent the last 18 years trying to hide behind other people in photographs, buying and wearing clothing I didn’t love but that fit over my hips. Eighteen years. And probably, yes, longer even than that. Not walking in the world in jeans, a simple t-shirt and flip flops, but in every outfit covered by a big overshirt. Not wearing a bathing suit, never wearing shorts. Hiding. I watched it a few times, each time realizing that I knew exactly how I felt about my body at that point in time. “Oh, that’s baby weight,” I said until Emma was 10, for example. Every pound a witness to a heartbreak, a change, a fear, a celebration.

Two: I’ve spent the past year being tested for things. Ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, and repeat. The morning they first tested for ovarian cancer, I sat in the parking lot sobbing, and then drove to the Chocolate Fetish and bought a nine-pack of chocolate covered caramels with sea salt and ate them all in the car. When I found out that test was negative two weeks later, I drove back to the Chocolate Fetish, bought another nine-pack of chocolate covered caramels with sea salt and ate them all in the car. I told Michael Scholtz, a brilliant wellness coach and personal trainer. “So,” I said jokingly, “do you think this means I’m an emotional eater?” He smiled a quiet smile. “Well, Patti,” he said, “if you had only eaten them when you thought you were dying, maybe not.” He paused. “But the fact that you ate them when you found out you would live… yeah, maybe.” We laughed. Yes.

Three: In November, I ended up in the emergency room with what I thought was a heart attack. It wasn’t. But my blood pressure was very high: 188/144. I typically have very low blood pressure. And I am now on medication to bring it down. I am not fond of taking medication and want to find other less intrusive ways to lower my blood pressure. “I want you to sweat six days a week,” my doctor said when giving me the prescription. I knew what he meant: lose weight.

There was an article in Wired Magazine a few years ago called “Change or Die.” It reported, among other things, that 90% of heart patients, when told they had to change their diet and exercise or they would die, did not change anything. Not even the threat of death got them to change their Krispy Kreme couch potato habits. Not even death.

I will change. Yes, I surely will.

As I start 2011, I no longer have in front of me the “lose 50 pounds” mantra. It is gone, irrelevant. While I do know that my natural, happy, comfortable weight is less than where I am right now, but I am no longer measuring happiness–or the lack of it–by a number. I am not concerned with a size, but a measure of wellness.

I am measuring wellness from now on by how bendy I am.

What is bendy?

Bendy is flexible, strong, able to run when it wants to. Bendy feels connected to body, stretched, confident, able. Bendy is a body not in competition with other bodies, and not even in competition with itself. It just is. Stretched and tall and aware of its Self. Bendy is a body to go along with a head; it is learning from the neck down. It is embodied learning. Embodied living. Embodied mindfulness.

I’m spending 2011 becoming bendy. Again.

I’m documenting that journey here for myself, and for others who might find it helpful.

About the author:

Patti Digh is the author of Life is a Verb, Creative is a Verb, What I Wish For You and Four Word Self Help. She has also written two business books on global leadership and diversity, one named a Fortune magazine “best business book for 2000.”  Patti’s comments have appeared on PBS, and in the Wall Street Journal, Fortune, the New York Times, USAToday, the Washington Post, and London Financial Times, among other national and international publications. She speaks around the world on diversity, global business, and living intentionally.

Patti is also co-founder of The Circle Project, a consulting and training firm that partners with organizations and the people in them to help them work more effectively and authentically together across difference.

She lives in Ashville, NC with her husband, two daughters and various animals. She also likes Black & White cookies although they are now off the list during her ‘Becoming Bendy’ stage.

Becoming your mother. Effects and misconceptions of aging. A guest post by Cherry Woodburn

Posted by Liz on Feb 4, 2011 in Inspiration, women's health | 25 comments

There are some days that the people in your circle introduce you to individuals who literally rock your world. When a colleague and friend suggested that Cherry Woodburn was a woman that I wanted to get to know better, she couldn’t have been more correct. Cherry is the founder of Borderless Thinking, a business that teaches women to ‘tame their inner shrew’ and do and become who they really want to be. What a message!

Cherry hits on some very important points in this post on becoming our mothers, on aging and on misconceptions. Denial? You bet I’m in it. Cherry’s post opened my eyes a lot wider.

Enjoy!

About 3 or 4 months ago I lost my waist. I had it in the evening when I went to bed and when I woke up and put on a pair of my pants that are designed to be worn on a waist I discovered my waist was missing. Gone. I don’t know where it went. I searched the closets, trying on other pants thinking perhaps I’d accidentally left my waist behind, but nope, not there.

I’m sure you’ve had it happen: a set of keys, or reading glasses or a bookmark – you knew where they were the night before and since you didn’t leave the house, they still must be there yet you can’t find them in the morning. Familiar right? It’s happened to me too, but this was the first time it occurred with a body part.

Unnerving.

Seriously, when it came to the thickening-of-the-waist that happens to women in middle age, it didn’t happen to me.  I was quite smug about it. I liked beating the system. Then, as I mentioned – without warning – several months ago I learned that not only did I not beat the matronly waist system, but I’d become my mother in the process.

“I’m going to be the exception.”

Growing up (which is happening every day of our lives so I don’t know why that expression applies only to our youth) when I spent time with “old” people I knew that some of the things they did were never going to happen to me:

• I would never not want to drive at night. Now I understand why they preferred not to drive at night – your night vision changes as you age. I still drive at night but would prefer not to, at least when it’s rainy. But my night life also doesn’t start at 10 pm like it did in my 20s so it’s really not that big of a deal.

• I’d never re-use aluminum foil like my mom did. You can safely place a large bet on what I’m doing these days with aluminum foil (and it’s not using it as a hat to communicate with aliens).

• I would always make sure I understood what my kids work entailed. At some point my parents stopped asking me questions about my work, which had been teaching Statistical Process Control. Although they tried to understand it, without a frame of reference it made no sense to them. Now my younger  son is working with computers in areas that are far beyond how I use computers, with no frame of reference, no real understanding.

• Saying things like my mother did: ” You’ll understand when you get older.” I particularly dislike this one so I rarely say it out loud but I must admit to thinking it.

• Wearing muu-muus and flat shoes. I never, never thought I’d want to wear shapeless things and no cute high heels. But “you’ll see when you get older” that saying “never” ought to be avoided. When you lose your waist you find comfort, literally, in clothing with no binds.

Things I Had Wrong About Aging

The reason that I grapple with the fact that I’m 61 years old is because I haven’t eradicated the misconceptions I formed in my youth about what 61 meant. The misconceptions, in large part, come from a culture still obsessed with youth and perpetuated by the media and cosmetic industries.

Here are a few things I, in my youth, had wrong about the older generation(s).

1. Older people curse. In fact I knew the word fuck long before it became the f-bomb; so when a group of kids increases the volume of their cursing when I walk by, they’re not shocking me.
2. Old(er) people still want to have sex. [eww…] It’s extra heavenly now – no need for birth control, no kids to hear it or come into your room.
3. Old(er) people still feel like they did in their 30s. It’s only our bodies that belie our age.
4. Old(er) people still have active brains even if their experiences and opinions are different than younger – still menstruating – generations.
5. Old(er) people use to be young. I know I found it hard to imagine. They/we rebelled against our parents, stayed out late, partied and more.

Stereotypes, labels and generational profiling is a trap that’s easy to fall into, but like racial profiling, it’s dangerous territory – too many mistakes can be made. “When we accept [generational/age] labels, we foster division. Each person, not generation, brings something important to the party. It’s our job to figure out what that is and grow from it.” Dawn Lennon, Business Fitness

About the author…Cherry Woodburn is a speaker, writer and facilitator on behalf of  women’s issues and the power of women sharing their stories for growth, healing, fun and community. Cherry blogs at Borderless Thinking and you can also find her on Twitter. Her mantra? Embracing the real you.

Flashfree – End the “shhh” and embrace the conversation

Posted by Liz on Jan 7, 2011 in Inspiration, menopause | 11 comments

I am discovering a pattern: when women learn about Flashfree, they inevitably tell me that they wish that they had a sounding board, someone to talk to about the aging-symptom paradigm, more exchange, more discourse. When I started this blog four years ago, I wanted to become a conduit for that conversation or at the very least, an inspiration. And I know that I’ve been inspired by the interest and the support.

Lately, it’s become so apparent that we need to talk more, listen more, explore more. We need each other.

The following was written during the early days of Flashfree and it’s as relevant now as it was then. So, in a bold move, I am reprising it, in hopes that it will begin that spark that I would like to see carry us through the rest of this year. It’s been a challenging one for many of us. And every day becomes a reminder of what’s most important and what is really not so important. Mostly though? I hope that this space continues to be as much yours’ as mine.

The Top Ten Wednesday Bubbles of 2010

Posted by Liz on Dec 29, 2010 in Inspiration | 0 comments

Anyone who knows me knows that I really dislike ‘top ten’ lists. So, for the final Wednesday of 2010, I decided to ‘punk’ myself and go back through the year’s Bubble archives. Here are my favourites but hey, don’t take my word for it; 2010 provided a lot of menopause fodder and folly and I encourage you to select (and comment) on your favs.

Without further ado, I give you…The Top Ten Wednesday Bubbles of 2010

10.  This is your brain on midlfe. This one needs no explanation. Just fill in the blank lingering over your head.

9. The Mommy Factor? It’s Personal. Not everyone is suitable for parenthood, i.e. just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

8. Is Weight Loss All in Your Head? Brain enzymes and brown fat and research, oh my. How do we get here from there?

7. Bisphosphonates…Enough to Make Your Jaw Drop. Essential information about osteoporosis drugs that you can’t afford to miss. Enough to make your draw drop, literally.

6. Ask the Hard Questions. If there’s one overriding theme of Flashfree, this is it. Especially when it comes to hormone replacement therapy.

5. HRT & the Window Hypothesis. The mother of all inventions is the Window Hypothesis. Brought to you by big pharma…

4. Time to Debunk the Myths About Traditional Chinese Medicine. The title says it all. Isn’t it time we stop trying to unravel the mystery and just accept?

3. Playing Russian Roulette – Hormone Replacement & Ovarian Cancer. Still believe that HRT is safe? You might want to take a look at this link to ovarian cancer.

2. Good Girls & Inner Hags – A Journey to Self. Inside every woman lurks a dark goddess. Amy Palko asks if you are embracing her.

1. A Doc and a Diva Walk Up to the Rooftop. Okay, this isn’t a Bubble but it should have been. And it is, by far, my favourite post of the year just because it is so absurd. Move on over Red Hot Mamas! There’s a new world order in town and we’re taking back our menopause. One rooftop at a time.

Is Flashfree for me?

Posted by Liz on Nov 19, 2010 in Inspiration, women's health | 0 comments

There’s a misconception going around that only women who are entering or have entered menopause should read this blog. And it’s not true. So, I thought that I’d use this opportunity to highlight some of the common themes and issues that run through an adult woman’s life, no matter her age:

• Health. Women’s health is so important. And so misunderstood. While some of that misunderstanding can be attributed to an early failure to evaluate drugs in important studies, for example, heart disease, the broader issue is that women are intricately wired beings whose systems are truly integrated and connected. Our physical health is so often influenced by our emotions and environment that it can be difficult to discern cause and effect,  and by default, treat appropriately and effectively. However, there are important steps that can be taken to stave off some of the unwanted effects of aging or even some diseases. Just think…exercise and heart health, bone health, mind health; a healthy diet and maintaining a healthy weight and helping prevent heart disease and diabetes; or, stress reduction, yoga, focused breathing to maintain balance and energy and promote immune health.

• Friendships and Networks. No matter our age, situation, relationship status, creed, religion, or color we rely on our relationships and networks to raise us up and bring us out of the darkness into the light, to fully blossom, thrive and grow, to create, express and love. Just think…strengthening friendships and support networks to maintain emotional and physical health or boosting self esteem to help with career and achievement

My point is that if you are in your late 30s or 40s and premenopausal, there are many things you can do now that will benefit you later. And many of these tips are addressed within the archives of this blog.

So,is Flashfree just for menopausal set?

Nope. Flashfree is for you. And although many posts focus on menopause, there is often a subtext of lessons that can be learned from and followed early rather than later.

Join me on the journey…won’t you?