Introducing….it’s raining men! A male perspective on menopause
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For over a year now, Flashfree has been ignoring a key player in the midlife-menopause shuffle: men. So I decided to add some male voices into the mix to lend their perspective and educate us about their experiences with our experiences. My hope: to start an evolving dialogue and deepen understanding, provide humor and encourage better communication.
Our first contributor is a dear friend, who has asked to remain anonymous because of the deeply personal nature of his topic: sexual desire. I hope you enjoy it, comment and share.
When I was asked to provide another voice on this subject I hesitated. It’s not that I don’t have first hand experience as my wife has been in the perimenopausal stage for the last few years, and I’m usually not shy with my opinions, but this request made me pause. Did I really want to weigh in with my thoughts? Was this a “do I look fat in this” type of question with no good answers? Was there any upside to being honest? Despite my reservations, I decided that this was as good a time as any, so here goes.
It’s been very hard to watch what has happened to the woman I love. I’m not just talking about the constant temperature changes, or the night sweats, or the mood swings, or the changes in odor (see, I do pay attention) that so clearly affect her. Instead, the largest change I’ve noticed is the loss of libido.
Now I know many of you are thinking “typical man, all he cares about is sex” when you read that last sentence, but let me defend myself. While our frequency of intercourse has significantly decreased, what I miss more is her desire. The feelings we have shared for each over these 16 years haven’t changed, but our means of expressing them have. I miss what we had, and hope that one day soon we can have it again.
There, I said it. And I suspect many of my peers are (or will soon be) experiencing similar feelings. So if I have any message for the readers, it’s just that while menopause primarily affects you, it also affects the others in your life. So the next time we say something insensitive, maybe you can occasionally cut us a break?
Flashfree is looking for contributors/male voices:
Want to add your perspective? Do you remember you mother or aunt going through ‘the change?’ Is your sister/friend/lover/wife/ex-wife/co-worker driving you nuts with her flip/flopping about? Got something you just want to say? Write to me at flashfree111@gmail.com.
Aging backwards in minutes: a guest post by Jackie Silver
So what does she mean by “aging backwards?” And in only 30 minutes a day? Come on!
Seriously, Author and friend Jackie Silver’s has some awesome tips on how to turn back the clock in only minutes a day. Just look at her; she’s a force to be reckoned with for sure!
Someone once said to me, “Look at you, you just sit around and have beauty treatments all day long, don’t you?” Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. It doesn’t take “having beauty treatments all day long” to keep Aging Backwards. That’s the “beauty” of what I do. I find all kinds of secrets, tips and shortcuts to pass along to you that make it easy to look and feel young while still living your life. Not many people have time to “sit around and have beauty treatments all day,” including me!
Here are some quick tips for Aging Backwards when, like me, you can’t make it your “full-time job.”
1) Instantly younger hands. Everyone knows by now that hands can show your age. In fact, many celebrities have been victims of ridicule for their “old lady” hands and the paparazzi loves to snap photos of them (just look on the internet). I found this tip by accident one day while experimenting with SPF lotions: Tinted sunscreen does double duty when it comes to your hands. Not only does it protect your hands from sun damage, but the tint actually gives a subtle youthfulness to hands. Another quick way to lose years from your hands is with polish and jewelry. According to a study, people thought photos of hands with polish and jewelry looked younger than the same hands without the polish and jewelry.
2) One minute relaxer. Try this several times a day for a quick and simple way to calm and relax yourself. Take a deep breath. Hold it for a count of five, release it for a count of seven. Repeat three to five times.
3) Five minute makeup. Another shocking comment I heard from an acquaintance one day was, “You probably take two hours to get ready to go out so you should start now.” Excuse me? I can do my makeup in roughly five minutes and here’s how: I start with my SPF 30 sunscreen. Next, I dot a bit of concealer under each eye and blend. Then, I lightly brush on my mineral powder foundation, followed by a little blush. Eye shadow, liner and mascara come next, followed by lip liner and gloss. That’s it. I’ve even been known to take under five minutes for the whole thing. I interviewed Bruce Grayson, head of the Emmy’s makeup department, for my book, Aging Backwards: Secrets to Staying Young (http://budurl.com/kdzv) and he told me that we need less makeup as we age, not more. So, a five-minute makeup routine is just right for me.
4) Six minute cat nap. Six minutes – that’s all the time you need for a “power nap” that will not only make you feel better, but will also improve your ability to learn and remember, according to German researchers at the University of Duesseldorf. The researchers performed experiments in which they asked students to review and memorize a list of 30 words. Afterwards, the participants were allowed to play a video game or take a nap in a quiet room. The nappers remembered more words than the video gamers. The results suggest that most of the memory improvement is linked to changes that take place in the brain just as you start to fall asleep. “These processes remain active for a certain time period even if sleep is terminated shortly thereafter,” said Olaf Lahl, the study’s lead author.
5) Ten minute jump rope workout. Skipping rope is an awesome way to keep Aging Backwards. Of course, check with your doctor before doing it, especially if you have health issues, and be careful not to trip yourself if you’re new to jumping rope. Start with a slow skip until you get the hang of it. Here’s what I do: I warm up with a slow jump for about a minute and then I rest. I do another minute of jumping, upping my pace this time around. Then, another rest period. I repeat this pattern for ten minutes, each time jumping a little harder and faster than the last. That’s it! Easy, effective workout.
Doing all of these tips back-to-back would take less than half an hour. So you can see that staying young is definitely not a full-time job when you know the Aging Backwards shortcuts.
About Jackie…
Jackie Silver is Aging Backwards and she shares her secrets, tips and shortcuts in her book, Aging Backwards: Secrets to Staying Young, on her Web site, on TV, on radio, in print and in person. She is the anti-aging expert on the syndicated television show, Daytime, the beauty editor for Clear Channel’s Mix 100.7 FM Nancy & Chris Mornings in Tampa Bay, Florida and a weekly columnist with The Tampa Tribune. In addition, she’s an expert contributor to Total Health Breakthroughs () and BestLifeDesign.com, as well as a regular contributor to FocusOnStyle.com,Galtime.com and HealthNewsDigest.com. Silver is a sought-after speaker and coach who combines her natural reporter’s curiosity with her desire to help others look and feel young. Her book is available at: Amazon.com and AgingBackwards.com.
Guest post: Explore your P.A.S.S.I.O.N.: an excerpt from ‘The Fearless Factor’
I was recently asked to read Author and Motivational Speaker Jacqueline Wales’ book The Fearless Factor, an overview of her journey of self-discovery and self-fulfillment. The deeper I delved, the more intrigued I became with her personal struggles and with her story, and the more convinced I was that her messages fit well with those of Flashfree — namely that honoring the things that challenge us the most is the greatest gift that we can give to ourselves. As Jacqueline writes “It’s hard to get anything done if you don’t believe in all you can be.”
Here’s an excerpt. Enjoy!
Three years ago I started Fearless Fifties, and as I reflected on what my life has been I realized that P.A.S.S.I.O.N. was an acronym for the seven stages I went through to make changes in my life, and it applies equally to everyone I’ve ever spoken with about the nature of change. The seven steps are Permission, Action, Strength, Support, Inspiration, Owning (confidence) and Nurture.
- Permission. Step number one was giving myself Permission to move beyond the limitations and fears that held me in a negative grip, Permission to step away from asking others if it was okay for me to live my life the way I wanted. Permission granted to myself to create whatever I wanted. To take a new direction. To make decisions that were good for me.
- Action. I had to make a plan, or at least have a sense that whatever’ wanted was possible if’ would only do things differently. I began to focus on what was true to me.’ began to think about what it would take for me to do what I wanted to do. To become who I wanted to become. To write well, I need teachers, to sing well, I need teachers, to become a black belt in karate, I needed teachers. But I also needed commitment and focus, and a stick-to-it attitude that evolved as I made my plans.
- Strength. When I took action I began to understand my own Strength. All my life I had battled the demons of insecurity, lack of self-esteem, depression, and abuse. I began to understand that not everyone makes it through to this other side. Many, like my brother, end up in jail, or, like my father, succumb to the deadly grip of drugs and alcohol. You could say the deck was stacked against my succeeding, but somewhere buried under the dung heap was the belief that there was always something more for me. On reflection, I realized that it took enormous strength of will to overcome many of these obstacles, and that would continue to support me in my forward motion.
- Support. As I developed my strengths, I searched for Support to help me get further along the path. I found therapists, coaches, inspirational speakers, books and tapes to educate myself and learn from the past Getting support was the key to my success. Without these amazing guides on my journey, I would never have known which path to take.
- Inspiration. On this journey through my own jungle , received Inspiration from all the people I had worked with, and met. As a result, , was hungry for more and began to feel confident about what I was doing.
- Own It. Developing confidence takes time, and a lot of people who believe in you as you learn how to believe in yourself.’ began to Own who’ was becoming because’ could see ME more clearly. I removed the veil of the past and’ developed confidence in my skills, my experiences, and my knowledge. I called it standing in my own shoes.
- Nurturing. I had to learn how to Nurture myself. I gave myself permission to do what was good for me, had regular massages, went to visit the chiropractor, and exercised regularly. Stopped drinking, gave up drugs, learned how to speak to me with kindness and compassion, and did this because I realized if I took care of me , could then take care of others more appropriately.
The passion I speak of is the thing that gets you out of bed in the morning. in the best possible circumstances, passion drives your choices around work, money, relationships, and what to do with the rest of your life.
The first step to putting PASSION into your life is PERMISSION.
We make too many excuses for what we don’t do and why we can’t do it, and we frequently ask if it’s okay for us to be doing something instead of stepping up and saying, “This is what I need to do. This is what I will do. This is all about me, not you.” We apologize for our existence, instead of celebrating it. We don’t ask for what we want, until it’s too late when we realize we are not getting what we want. So you must give yourself permission to live life on your own terms.
Finding your passion is essential to living your best life. I have never worked harder, nor felt so fulfilled as I do at this time. Learning how to give myself what I needed was the key.
* * *
A question for the author
What does it mean to be fearless in midlife? Is there any distinction in the approach based on where women are in their emotional, physical and social strata during this time in the lives?
We have reached a place where we are free from many of constrictions of family and career. Many are experiencing empty nest, and are exploring new ways of being in the world. We may have established ourselves in a career that is still thriving, while others may be asking what they want to do for the rest of their lives and are looking for meaning and purpose as they follow their passions, or are deciding what passions were left behind in the day to day tasks. Many are also choosing to end long term relationships because they no longer fill their needs. It is almost like a second adolescence in that there is a sense of greater freedom. However, for many, these changes come with fears, doubts and anxieties about growing older, about retirement and financial risks, about not having enough to be comfortable in later life, or having health issues.
All of these are reason enough to stay stuck, but being fearless in midlife is more about facing those challenges and looking for new ways to approach things. I like to say, ‘It’s My Turn’ and also “It’s not about age…it’s about attitude.” It goes a long way to finding the right solutions to the problem. That’s why ‘The Fearless Factor’ was written.
About Jacqueline Wales…Jacqueline Wales is known the world over as The Black Belt Millionaire. Her unique programs have helped women around the globe develop strong personal success, confident communication and clear visions of their goals. She is the author of five books including The Fearless Factor.
The Roundup: September News and Tidbits
[Credit: Special thanks to artist Darryl Willison of whimsicalwest.com. Please visit his site and support his work!]
Because October starts tomorrow, I’m replacing this week’s Wednesday Bubble with the monthly Roundup. Here’s an overview of September’s post in case you missed one or want to revisit it.
Enjoy!
- Wednesday Bubble: Big dietary changes one small step at a time. A guest post by Miz Fit – Carrying around a “freshwoman forty” (or ten)? Fitness expert and author Carla Birnberg shares some tips on how to change your habits, and your body.
- Cougar 101: Pimp your hide -The Cougar Convention hits the West Coast with a roarrrrr. See what a bit of botox, plumped lips and a nip and tuck yield.
- Sinking your teeth into…osteoporosis – Time to bone up on osteoporosis as researchers now link the disease with tooth loss.
- Wednesday Bubble: Turmeric… too good to be true? – Is this Indian spice hiding some important benefits beneath its yellow facade?
- Overworked, overextended, overstressed and underserved – A global survey reveals that women are not only busier than ever, but they are also shouldering a burden of extreme proportions. What can we do to change this burgeoning problem?
- A is for adiposity, F is for falls, M is for muscle weakness. Together they spell “D” – Research shows the Vitamin D is more important than ever for postmenopausal women: what you need to know.
- Wednesday Bubble: the best medicine – A laugh a day keeps disease at bay. No kidding.
- Calcium conundrum: which supplement should I choose? -When it comes to preventing bone loss, calcium supplements are all the same. Or are they?
- More on breast cancer and HRT – Time to take this killer off the market. More bad news for women who use HRT.
- Wednesday Bubble: Blame it on – Hormones. Women are suicidal and more unhappy than thirty years ago. The reason? Must be menopause.
- Keep it greasy – with Zestra® – Feeling a bit hot below the belt? Despite all the hype, this sensual oil is unlikely to improve your sex life. Or your aroma.
Overworked, overextended, overstressed and underserved
Sound familiar? Results of a global survey (conducted by the Boston Consulting Group) suggest that women are more overworked, overextended, overstressed and underserved than ever. In fact, time demands are the number one challenge that women face in their lives.
Key findings include:
- Women are responsible for a large percentage of global income, owning 40% of all U.S. business and controlling over $12 trillion dollars in consumer spending (globally).
- In the U.S., almost 71% of women in the workforce are mothers, and over half have children under the age of one. Yet, they do most of the work at home as well (88% – grocery shopping; 85% – meal preparation; 84% laundry and cleaning; and 77%, household administration).
- 48% of women say that managing household finances is a major source of stress in their lives, while 81% are concerned about not having enough money for retirement.
- 47% say that time demands represent the “big stress in their lives,” with 45% expressing that they don’t have enough time for themselves.
One of the most disturbing finding deals with women’s expectations of themselves. In fact 44% say that they rarely or never feel powerful. Hmmm, why is this? Why is it that we feel powerless when we control such a significant portion of the global economy and virtually run our world, both inside and outside the home? And where is the true source of a woman’s power?
Survey results suggest that the source of happiness in women’s lives mostly relates to love, health, honesty and emotional well-being. From this, one might surmise that the source of women’s power lies within their connections, candor and honesty, as well as the opportunity to pursue these things freely. Indeed, when asked what they wanted most, respondents said:
- More love and connections, both intimate and with family, friends, colleagues and neighbors.
- Freedom to pursue the path which will allow them to become fulfilled, happy and satisfied.
- More balance in their lives.
- Enough money to remove financial pressure.
We live in a world where time is a commodity and where the individual is always being pulled in a zillion directions. Self-image, especially as we age, can be tough, especially when societal messages abound that we are no longer “as beautiful as…” In fact, in this survey, at least a quarter of women said that they rarely or never felt beautiful.
What gives? We are powerful, we are in control and regardless of age or shape, we, as women, have an inner beauty that when realized, reflects outward and resonates endlessly.
Life is stressful and it appears that as women, we are shouldering a burden of extreme proportions. Not only should we be asking what we are doing to create this paradigm but more importantly, what can we do to change it.
What do you think?
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