Wednesday Bubble: Becoming Bendy. A guest post by Patti Digh
I had a revelation this past year. Two of them, actually. Okay, three. Or twelve.
One: My husband, John, created a video for our oldest daughter’s graduation from high school, one documenting Emma’s life since birth to that moment of leaving home, going to college, walking into the world on her own. As I watched this beautiful progression of her life, it became so, so clear to me that I have spent the last 18 years trying to hide behind other people in photographs, buying and wearing clothing I didn’t love but that fit over my hips. Eighteen years. And probably, yes, longer even than that. Not walking in the world in jeans, a simple t-shirt and flip flops, but in every outfit covered by a big overshirt. Not wearing a bathing suit, never wearing shorts. Hiding. I watched it a few times, each time realizing that I knew exactly how I felt about my body at that point in time. “Oh, that’s baby weight,” I said until Emma was 10, for example. Every pound a witness to a heartbreak, a change, a fear, a celebration.
Two: I’ve spent the past year being tested for things. Ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, and repeat. The morning they first tested for ovarian cancer, I sat in the parking lot sobbing, and then drove to the Chocolate Fetish and bought a nine-pack of chocolate covered caramels with sea salt and ate them all in the car. When I found out that test was negative two weeks later, I drove back to the Chocolate Fetish, bought another nine-pack of chocolate covered caramels with sea salt and ate them all in the car. I told Michael Scholtz, a brilliant wellness coach and personal trainer. “So,” I said jokingly, “do you think this means I’m an emotional eater?” He smiled a quiet smile. “Well, Patti,” he said, “if you had only eaten them when you thought you were dying, maybe not.” He paused. “But the fact that you ate them when you found out you would live… yeah, maybe.” We laughed. Yes.
Three: In November, I ended up in the emergency room with what I thought was a heart attack. It wasn’t. But my blood pressure was very high: 188/144. I typically have very low blood pressure. And I am now on medication to bring it down. I am not fond of taking medication and want to find other less intrusive ways to lower my blood pressure. “I want you to sweat six days a week,” my doctor said when giving me the prescription. I knew what he meant: lose weight.
There was an article in Wired Magazine a few years ago called “Change or Die.” It reported, among other things, that 90% of heart patients, when told they had to change their diet and exercise or they would die, did not change anything. Not even the threat of death got them to change their Krispy Kreme couch potato habits. Not even death.
I will change. Yes, I surely will.
As I start 2011, I no longer have in front of me the “lose 50 pounds” mantra. It is gone, irrelevant. While I do know that my natural, happy, comfortable weight is less than where I am right now, but I am no longer measuring happiness–or the lack of it–by a number. I am not concerned with a size, but a measure of wellness.
I am measuring wellness from now on by how bendy I am.
What is bendy?
Bendy is flexible, strong, able to run when it wants to. Bendy feels connected to body, stretched, confident, able. Bendy is a body not in competition with other bodies, and not even in competition with itself. It just is. Stretched and tall and aware of its Self. Bendy is a body to go along with a head; it is learning from the neck down. It is embodied learning. Embodied living. Embodied mindfulness.
I’m spending 2011 becoming bendy. Again.
I’m documenting that journey here for myself, and for others who might find it helpful.
Patti Digh is the author of Life is a Verb, Creative is a Verb, What I Wish For You and Four Word Self Help. She has also written two business books on global leadership and diversity, one named a Fortune magazine “best business book for 2000.” Patti’s comments have appeared on PBS, and in the Wall Street Journal, Fortune, the New York Times, USAToday, the Washington Post, and London Financial Times, among other national and international publications. She speaks around the world on diversity, global business, and living intentionally.
Patti is also co-founder of The Circle Project, a consulting and training firm that partners with organizations and the people in them to help them work more effectively and authentically together across difference.
She lives in Ashville, NC with her husband, two daughters and various animals. She also likes Black & White cookies although they are now off the list during her ‘Becoming Bendy’ stage.
Becoming your mother. Effects and misconceptions of aging. A guest post by Cherry Woodburn
There are some days that the people in your circle introduce you to individuals who literally rock your world. When a colleague and friend suggested that Cherry Woodburn was a woman that I wanted to get to know better, she couldn’t have been more correct. Cherry is the founder of Borderless Thinking, a business that teaches women to ‘tame their inner shrew’ and do and become who they really want to be. What a message!
Cherry hits on some very important points in this post on becoming our mothers, on aging and on misconceptions. Denial? You bet I’m in it. Cherry’s post opened my eyes a lot wider.
Enjoy!
About 3 or 4 months ago I lost my waist. I had it in the evening when I went to bed and when I woke up and put on a pair of my pants that are designed to be worn on a waist I discovered my waist was missing. Gone. I don’t know where it went. I searched the closets, trying on other pants thinking perhaps I’d accidentally left my waist behind, but nope, not there.
I’m sure you’ve had it happen: a set of keys, or reading glasses or a bookmark – you knew where they were the night before and since you didn’t leave the house, they still must be there yet you can’t find them in the morning. Familiar right? It’s happened to me too, but this was the first time it occurred with a body part.
Unnerving.
Seriously, when it came to the thickening-of-the-waist that happens to women in middle age, it didn’t happen to me. I was quite smug about it. I liked beating the system. Then, as I mentioned – without warning – several months ago I learned that not only did I not beat the matronly waist system, but I’d become my mother in the process.
“I’m going to be the exception.”
Growing up (which is happening every day of our lives so I don’t know why that expression applies only to our youth) when I spent time with “old” people I knew that some of the things they did were never going to happen to me:
- I would never not want to drive at night. Now I understand why they preferred not to drive at night – your night vision changes as you age. I still drive at night but would prefer not to, at least when it’s rainy. But my night life also doesn’t start at 10 pm like it did in my 20s so it’s really not that big of a deal.
- I’d never re-use aluminum foil like my mom did. You can safely place a large bet on what I’m doing these days with aluminum foil (and it’s not using it as a hat to communicate with aliens).
- I would always make sure I understood what my kids work entailed. At some point my parents stopped asking me questions about my work, which had been teaching Statistical Process Control. Although they tried to understand it, without a frame of reference it made no sense to them. Now my younger son is working with computers in areas that are far beyond how I use computers, with no frame of reference, no real understanding.
- Saying things like my mother did: ” You’ll understand when you get older.” I particularly dislike this one so I rarely say it out loud but I must admit to thinking it.
- Wearing muu-muus and flat shoes. I never, never thought I’d want to wear shapeless things and no cute high heels. But “you’ll see when you get older” that saying “never” ought to be avoided. When you lose your waist you find comfort, literally, in clothing with no binds.
Things I Had Wrong About Aging
The reason that I grapple with the fact that I’m 61 years old is because I haven’t eradicated the misconceptions I formed in my youth about what 61 meant. The misconceptions, in large part, come from a culture still obsessed with youth and perpetuated by the media and cosmetic industries.
Here are a few things I, in my youth, had wrong about the older generation(s).
- Older people curse. In fact I knew the word fuck long before it became the f-bomb; so when a group of kids increases the volume of their cursing when I walk by, they’re not shocking me.
- Old(er) people still want to have sex. [eww…] It’s extra heavenly now – no need for birth control, no kids to hear it or come into your room.
- Old(er) people still feel like they did in their 30s. It’s only our bodies that belie our age.
- Old(er) people still have active brains even if their experiences and opinions are different than younger – still menstruating – generations.
- Old(er) people use to be young. I know I found it hard to imagine. They/we rebelled against our parents, stayed out late, partied and more.
Stereotypes, labels and generational profiling is a trap that’s easy to fall into, but like racial profiling, it’s dangerous territory – too many mistakes can be made. “When we accept [generational/age] labels, we foster division. Each person, not generation, brings something important to the party. It’s our job to figure out what that is and grow from it.” Dawn Lennon, Business Fitness
About the author…Cherry Woodburn is a speaker, writer and facilitator on behalf of women’s issues and the power of women sharing their stories for growth, healing, fun and community. Cherry blogs at Borderless Thinking and you can also find her on Twitter. Her mantra? Embracing the real you.
Read MoreMusings: Menopause ain’t nothing but a…
Number?
Sometimes it is just that. And sometimes it’s not.
I’m reposting this piece, which first ran in June 2009, because a reader recently challenged me on my consistent opinion that menopause is not a disease.
“Menopause is truly a disease. There are many so called true diseases that cause far less damage to a womens body.”
Actually, the conditions that wreak the most havoc on a woman’s body as she grows older appear to more closely associated with aging than with menopause. Theoretically, this would mean that our best strategy to address prevention or risk reduction, right?
Here are the facts:
Australian researchers suggest that many of the more common complaints of menopause may be possibly related to aging in general and not specifically the transition. In fact, in a study presented during last month’s 8th European Congress on Menopause, they reported that menopause is strongly associated with some but not other common complaints.
So what about the other symptoms? After reviewing data from 58,724 women (ages 45 to 50) participating in the Australian Longitudinal Study on Women’s Health, the strongest associations were seen between menopause and hot flashes/night sweats. These findings remained after adjusting for age during the study, age at menopause, smoking history, body mass index, sociodemographics (i.e. education, income, marital status and geographic location) and other factors that might influence outcomes. Other symptoms, including difficulty sleeping, stiff/painful joints and poor or fair self-reported health were also associated with menopause but to a much lesser extent. Headaches, migraines and incontinence appeared to be more strongly related to the aging process.
The researchers say that treatment (in this case, HRT) should be geared primarily towards alleviating vasomotor symptoms. Less clear, however, is how long therapy should be continued, since some symptoms can last for more than seven years. This study is scheduled to appear in Menopause.
Last September, I wrote a post about a survey being reported at the North American Menopause Society’s Annual meeting suggesting that women can actually discern the symptoms of menopause from those of aging. Interestingly, many of the symptoms overlapped; in fact, 84%, 72%, and 77% of respondents associated vaginal dryness, urinary stress incontinence and weight gain, respectively, strictly with menopause, even though they can also be caused by aging as well.
So, what’s the primary point? It can be difficult to tease apart the effects of aging and the effects of menopause. Clearly, these new Australian data add a bit more to the confusion, and reinforce the point that more research and funding is needed in this particular area.
When I write that “menopause is not a disease and should not be treated like one,” what I am really saying is that disease, especially when it’s chronic can stigmatize, frighten and even create self-loathing. By offering up hormone replacement therapy as the only viable “solution” to preventing and ameliorating the symptoms of menopause and outrightly dismissing gentler alternative strategies, the medical community takes on the stance that Author Louise Foxcroft has written about: “fear of the menopause is something we have learned, and it has grown out of a general, male and medical distaste for the idea of the menopause perceived as an end to viability, fertility, beauty, desirability and worth. Since the French physician de Gardanne coined the new term ‘ménépausie’ in the early nineteenth century, an onslaught of opinion, etiology, treatments, and not least and lest we forget, profit has followed. Women need to unlearn their dread and recognize that menopause is not, of itself, dread-full; that we are merely the victims of our biological process.”
So which comes first? Menopause and disease or aging and disease? Regardless, we can go out fighting or we can give in.
in all, a good thing, right?
Read MoreWednesday Bubble: Don’t Pause!
Hey, stop the presses! There’s a brand new, one-size-fits-all solution to menopause – Don’t – as in, Don’t Pause. Billed as a breakthrough advancement in treating early menopause symptoms (according to the press release), Don’t Pause contains a proprietary mixture of pomegranate extract, green tea, chromium and selenium especially geared towards helping you ‘grow young responsibly.’
Um, okay. So what does that mean? It appears to mean that this wonder formulation will not only halt symptoms of menopause but also improve youthfulness and sexuality, reduce the risk of cancer, osteoarthritis, heart disease and epilepsy and enhance the effects of exercise on weight distribution. Wow! All that in a single pill. Have I mentioned that it’s also Hallal and Kosher?
There is one bit of messaging surrounding this wonder product that I believe is responsible and right on: the time to start addressing menopausal symptoms is before they start. That means you – 30 some year-olds and 40 some year-olds – there is no time like the present to build bone and preserve bone health, get into shape and start managing your weight, eat healthy, address stress and build those support networks. These are the type of steps that can go a long way to addressing menopause symptoms and also to take poetic license, truly help you grow older responsibly.
Don’t pause? What do you think?
Read MoreMonday Musings: who are you wearing?
Labels. Our world’s full of them. And they are no more pervasive than when applied to women, particularly as we age and start to become invisible, not only to others but also to ourselves. In fact, I am becoming acutely aware that some of these labels have slipped into my vocabulary.
That’s why I’m beginning to more fully appreciate the move that Prince made years ago when he changed his name to a symbol and became “the artist formerly known as…”Granted, one can argue that it was a publicity move of epic proportions and it sure did garner a lot of attention. But at the same time, it also shifted control. Perhaps he became himself again.
As of today, I am challenging myself to step outside the comfort zone that labels provide and consider if I am not one of the following, who am I?
- a middle-aged woman
- a Cougar
- menopausal
- a woman ‘of a certain age’
- an old maid?
Better yet? Who are you? Have you, like me, allowed yourself to slip into these labels like a comfortable pair of socks?
Our generation of women came of age on the tails of Gloria Steinem, Shirley Chisolm, Ann Richards and Bella Abzug, women who not only reinforced the message that we should live within our skins but, that we should do so proudly. And yet, many of us have shed that pride and as I wrote last month, have somehow stopped wearing ourselves, as if we’ve somehow crossed into the wardrobe of no return, where invisibility is safer than rebellion.
I’m certainly not going to start burning my bras or marching in Washington for older women’s rights (see, there I go again). But I am going to make damn sure that as I near my 50th year, I start wearing myself again.
What about you? Who are you wearing?
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