Health Rx: The Buddy System. A guest post by Sheryl Kraft
Last year, I was asked to sit on an Advisory Board for the Council for Responsible Nutrition’s Life…Supplemented Campaign. What I found (or should I say “who”) were several like-minded souls who not only embraced their health and wellness, but also recognized that relationships and support are an integral part of both. If we lose our ‘sistahs,’ we lose a huge part of our hearts and our souls, not to mention our health. Research supports this contention, which is why I’ve written about relationships and support networks several times on Flashfree.
Sheryl Kraft is not only a fellow Board member but also writes about all matters of midlife. In the blogger world, she is the cheese to my macaroni, so to speak. I am grateful for her voice and her wisdom, and mostly for sharing this post on Flashfree. Thanks Sheryl!
Sporadically throughout my life, I’ve been without lots of things: sleep, money, the right dress, electricity, the perfect pair of shoes, an inspired idea. You get the picture.
But there’s one thing that’s been a consistent comfort; one thing I’ve never been without. And I am always so very grateful for that one thing.
That one thing? It’s FRIENDS.
Friends are essential for a happy life. For me, they keep me afloat when I feel myself going under; they’re my first line of defense when I’m down or troubled. There is something about the solidity of friendship that feels thrilling and comforting all at once. Some people might say: if you have a husband, a boyfriend, a partner that you enjoy a good relationship with, why do you still need friends?
To that, I say: it’s different. Friendships, at their best, are uncomplicated and sustaining; reasonable and free of emotional hurdles. They’re an invisible force that holds your hand securely and keeps you in a safe place.
The importance of friends and social networks is finally being acknowledged. Indeed, friendship has a profound effect on your physical and psychological health. Friends can be a powerful weapon in keeping your immune system functioning at its peak; study after study bears this out.
Need proof?
Strong social networks go a long way: During a 10-year study period, older people with a large network of friends were 22 percent less likely to die than those with fewer friends.
Friends are important for your head: Harvard researchers found that having strong friendships is a champion of brain health as we age.
Close friends and cancer: A 2006 study of 3,000 nurses with breast cancer found that women without close friends were four times more likely to die of the disease than women with 10 or more friends.
Low social interaction was compared with other well-known health risk factors by scientists at Bringham Young University . Here’s what they found:
– Equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day
– Equivalent to being an alcoholic
– More harmful than not exercising
– Twice as harmful as obesity
Losing a friend can have a powerful impact on health, too. Whether it is through death or disagreement, the pain and mourning packs a punch on immunity. Stress, sadness, loneliness, grief – they all follow loss. And what follows such intense emotions is a downward dive in your overall health. Stress hormones are released, causing a spike in blood pressure, heart rate and blood sugar levels. And if stress hangs on for the long-term, other health problems crop up: depression, anxiety, obesity, and more.
Over the years, I’ve lost friends. I’m sure you have, too. It’s inevitable they will come and go. Lucky is the woman who is able to keep their childhood friends well into adulthood.
My two best friends both died within a year of one another; both of breast cancer. With each loss, a piece of myself was torn from me. With each loss, sadness and a huge empty space followed me wherever I went. I felt exposed and raw, yet strangely alone in my grief.
As with everything else, resiliency eventually surfaces and I moved on. I nurtured my other friendships, cherishing them even more than before. But I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if those two friends were still here.
Keep your friends close. Take pleasure in the benefits you gain from one another.
Your health depends on it.
About the author… Sheryl Kraft is a health writer and essayist. Her work has appeared in JAMA, AARP the Magazine, Prevention Magazine, weightwatchers.com, and more. Her blog, MidlifeMatters appears on the website www.healthywomen.org, which was named the top women’s health website by Good Housekeeping magazine. In addition, Sheryl is the health & wellness editor at www.EndlessBeauty.com.
Do women lie when they act perfect? A guest post by Kathy Korman Frey
Ain’t no Wednesday Bubble but some inspiration. And I’m certainly inspired! Every now and then, you run into a person who is creating a new paradigm, one woman at a time. That woman is Kathy Korman Frey, aka @chiefhotmomma on Twitter, entrepreneur, educator and founder of the Hot Mommas Project and #sisU: Sisterhood University project. Kathy’s focus is to raise the self-efficacy of women and girls through exposure to role models. This approach echos the approach to our healthcare that I’ve been trying to impart since starting Flashfree: by talking to one another, sharing experiences, creating lasting support networks and crowdsourcing, women are better able to care for themselves (and those around them) and make decisions about their health that are not only sensible but also, make the most sense for them.
Hence, when I read the following post written by Kathy, I knew that it needed to be reposted on here We are always trying to be superwomen, aren’t we? Whether it’s our career or health, Isn’t it time to create a posse of empowerment?
A post by Athena Vongalis-Macrow and Andrea Gallant on the blog of Harvard Business School Publishing is entitled: Stop Stereotyping Female Leaders. The myth of the “superwoman” is discussed, and how this myth continues to be perpetuated by women themselves. This is sad not only because women feel pressure to appear or be perfect, but also because this is what we are teaching the next generation. Expectations are killing women across this great nation of ours…both expectations of ourselves, and those from others whether actual or perceived.
Many articles and books have been written on this topic, such as Michele Woodward’s “I am Not Superwoman” and Tal Ben-Shahar’s “The Pursuit of Perfect.” But are we listening? And, furthermore, how can we turn that listening into action?
A little story: Between the ages of one and one-half and six, my son had a “posse.” An occupational therapist, a behavior consultant, and various and sundry experts that would come into and out of our lives in between “special” parent-teacher conferences. My son would do everything he could to hold it together at school, and then have outbursts at home which included banging his head on the floor or wall. It’s shocking, isn’t it? Just imagining a child doing this. There isn’t even a word to describe how it felt to me as a parent. It turned out that his brain was ahead of his ability to express his feelings. So, well, he freaked out. Today, we have a happy boy on our hands. But I’ll never forget those days.
So, how does this relate to women being authentic leaders? Two things:
Get a Posse
During that time of crisis with our son, we had a “posse.” This was our group of experts to whom we could turn for advice and counsel. The posse helped. And my point for women is: Get a posse. More women are working, more dual income households, more masters degrees than men, more PhDs then men…I mean, hey, we’ve got it going on. But, some things don’t change…like our caregiving responsibilities or fundamental female neurology as brilliantly described in Louann Brizendine’s “The Female Brain.” Are you not worthy of a posse of experts? We’d do it for our kids. We’d do if we were diagnosed with an illness. So, why not now? As mentioned at the recent Sisterhood University (#sisUdc), we all need a personal board of advisors. The problems will come and go. The questions. The challenges. Even the celebrations. But the personal board of advisors – the “posse” – remains.
Develop a Vocabulary of Honesty
This is not for everyone…but the strong ones of us must continue to develop a “vocabulary” of honesty around our challenges. Back to the example of my son’s time of crisis: One particularly gifted behavior consultant had a knack for tapping into smart and sensitive children. She encouraged us to increase our “feelings” vocabulary around the house. For instance, when I would say, “Mommy feels frustrated,” my son now had a word to place on his own feelings. It was calming. It was re-affirming. What started off sounding kind of corny to me actually healed us as a family. In addition to running our house in an incredibly structured manner, this single piece of advice worked. Thus, women need to increase and model the right vocabulary in this strange new world which feels like a kind of “life moon bounce.” But how?
I recommend the following:
- 1/3 challenge – Talk about the challenge. Make it real. Validate your concerns, or those of your “posse” members.
- 2/3 solution – Then, talk about how you solved it, or how you think about it, or – perhaps you’re still struggling with it and you’ve just decided to be in transition. The latter two thirds of the conversation should be about actions, and perspectives that help.
Women: This is your chance to act as teachers and mentors
Women, please take the time to do the hard work and the thinking on this. Be willing to communicate your experiences to other women and the next generation. Why do you think I’m putting all this stuff out there about my son…a deeply personal topic? To help, that’s why. And women, if someone asks you “Why do you seem so perfect?” Stop. Think. Remember: This is a time to perpetuate a myth, or join a member of someone’s “posse” as an expert who models the right behavior.
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About the author…Kathy Korman Frey is an entrepreneur, educator and founder of the Hot Mommas Project and #sisU: Sisterhood University. Frey teaches Women’s Entrepreneurial Leadership at the George Washington University School of Business, and is also one of the nation’s top business bloggers. She currently lives in Washington, DC where she struggles daily to cling to reality while raising her entrepreneur husband, Josh, their children Maxwell and Delilah, and dog Foxy Frey.
Read MoreOn epatients, women and poetry
A week ago, I wrote a post on crowdsourcing menopause with the intent of leveraging the collective force and spirit of women for the better good, or more specifically for our health and wellbeing as we age. I wrote the post just prior to attending the Epatient Connections 2010 Conference in Philadelphia, two of the most inspiring and provocative days that I’ve spent in some time.
You may not be familiar with the term “epatient” but it’s become a buzzword in the health world. And yet, the epatient is a concept that continues to evolve and is not entirely understood by practitioners or researchers or even by many patients themselves. However, like crowdsourcing, the epatient movement has sparked an interest in consumer engagement, participation, collaboration, sharing and connection, all in hopes, as my friend Jane Sarasohn-Kahn implies on her fine synopsis of last week’s conference, of building a foundation of trust upon which health and wellbeing can thrive.
So where do women fit into the epatient movement?
As women, we have long stood on the sidelines as researchers apply study findings in men to our health concerns, as insurers characterize natural life events such as pregnancy as “pre-existing conditions” and on a more personal note, as battle lines jave been drawn between those who insist that menopause is a disease that needs to be treated and those who want to address symptoms in a kinder, more gentler, holistic fashion. Yet, regardless of age or mandate, women need to fully engage in decisions that being made about their healthcare.
A key component of engagement is access: access to health records and notes, access to plans of action and strategies, access to our healthcare practitioners when we need them, access to the right people, to the right information and to the right line of thinking. And at times, access means going round and round and around before we are able to cross imaginary lines that heed our progress and find the path to health. My friend Regina Holliday, a Washington, DC-based patients rights arts advocate, has been leading the fight for access since the death of her husband in June, 2009.
While Regina’s fight is not gender- but people-based, she has demonstrated that women can be powerful advocates for themselves and those they care about, and that advocacy is often borne out of resolve, love and self-respect. Moreover, Regina has shown time and again that sometimes, the smallest gesture can resonate the loudest, a flick of the paintbrush, a line in a poem.
James Russell Lowell once said that “the eye is the notebook of the poet.” For Regina, the eye is her art and her mission, and the window to what has become her soul’s work. At the epatient conference, Regina stood onstage and invited a glimpse through that window. And what resonated most was her resolve self respect — as a woman, a mother, an advocate and an artist. Her path is unique and yet universal because it is about support, participation, engagement and love. And I suspect that Regina will continue to go round and round until her path is fully illuminated and she reaches her goal.
Below are Regina’s wheels. I believe that as women, as patients and as mothers, friends, wives and lovers, we can use our resolve to crowdsource and advocate for our health and well-being. What are your wheels? What is your path? And what are you willing to fight for?
Death of the Paper Transfer© All Rights Reserved. R. Holliday.
The Wheals on the Bus By Regina Holliday 3-17-10
The wheels, the wheels: they are a turning,
And past abuses do impress upon this fight.
And thoughts of riots, rights and rulings,
Spin in circles in the shadows of my mind.
I go to sleep at night and think of coding.
Is our savior high within the data cloud?
Is access to our care, as great as knowledge?
Where shall peacefulness be found?
Does freedom lie within a soup of letters?
Do PHR’s and IEP’s and EKG’s and HIT
Open doors to our gaining knowledge?
Is ARRA an acronym, or is it a primal roar?
Arghaa! Arise! An EPI pin, to stimulate
The growth of understanding,
That we are all Patients in the End.
Here, I take my stand. I can do no other;
For past abuses do inform this time,
And, two by two my Luther’s tell me
To demand my data rights ,
To be resolute, that separate is not equal,
And that no man,
Should stand
Between me and the Word.
Is 1135 a page in the Annals of Oncology about Kidney Cancer?
Or is it Volume 113 of Pediatrics no. 5 in 2004: “The Genetics of Autism.?”
Or is 1135… simply, “JESUS WEPT.”
I will see you in Galilee, Galilee, Galilee
I will see you
In the ring, the circle, the circuit,
And the wheals they are returning….
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
Round and round, And Rosa parked.
She refused to give up her seat at the table.
ICD-10, Do you intend, to save me from my coding?
Do you entreat, that we retreat?
And expect the patients, now informed and comprehending,
To sit idly by awaiting your instructions?
Physician Heal thyself,
And let empowered patients speak,
And draw attention to those that seek
A better and healthier tomorrow.
About the poem… in the poet’s words
I wrote this poem in the weeks leading up to the final healthcare reform vote in March 2009. At that point, I had done many interviews with reporters who wanted to focus on insurance reform and did not want to discuss data access, nor did most people really want to talk about viewing the patient as a whole person. So, I wrote a poem that would mention HIT, Health Reform, Autism, Child Abuse and Jesus. It is quite a heady mix. It can be hard to listen to. But patients are complex and if we truly listen to them we can change everything.
Regina Holliday
Read MoreThe social ties that bind…life
[Henri Matisse, Dance II, Late Summer 1909]
Research has shown that social support networks are essential to our overall mood and well-being, especially as we age. Now, it appears that social support, i.e. relationships whether it comes from friends, partners or other family members, can actually prolong our lives.In fact, researchers who analyzed 148 studies in over 300,000 men and women say that people with strong social relationships are as much as 50% likelier to survive than individuals without them or whose relationships are poor. Moreover, having good social relationships may be as beneficial as quitting smoking, while bad relationships can more harmful than being obese or sedentary.
While these findings certainly don’t mean that poor habits and risky behavior can be wiped out by having strong relationships, they do imply that social support is critical to more than our mental health. Still, the researchers say that over the past 20 years, there has been a three-fold increase in the number of Americans who report having no confidant and that globally, people are actually becoming more isolated. This runs counter to the proposition that social networks á la the web foster stronger social connections. Although this may be true for the some individuals, it isn’t for others and the quality of these online relationships appear to have quite an impact on our health.
So, what is social support exactly?
Social support is actually multifaceted and highly individual. It deals with how we perceive the support we receive, be it emotional, informational, tangible or intangible (such as a sense of belonging), the size of our networks and how they are defined (e.g. marital or intimate relationship status, number of social contacts, degree of active engagement in activities or relationships, and whether or not we live or alone or with others) as well as an integration of the two. People who were able to successfully integrate the two were actually shown to have a 91% increased likelihood for surviving longer.
One of the most striking things about this report is the fact that the researchers believe that the estimates on the benefits of the social relationships in terms of having a longer life may be conservative. However, they do caution that many of the data they looked at did not account for the quality of the relationships, an important and risky variable.
The bottom line, it seems, is something that women have known all along: strong, quality friendships are critical to our emotional health and well-being. However, we’ve not been able to link that to lengthier survival…until now. As always, keep it real, go for quality not quantity and keep sowing those seeds. Who knew that the social ties that bind us are truly life?
Read MoreOne a day…takes the menopause away
Did you know that One-a-Day has a menopause formulation that theoretically reduces hot flashes, improves mood and addresses energy issues? Interestingly, if you compare it to One-a-Day for Women 50+, the ingredients and the amount of each vitamin and mineral are almost identical.
So, what makes the menopause formulation so much more effective for menopausal symptoms? Evidently, the addition of soy isoflavones, which, studies have shown, may help alleviate hot flashes or promote bone health. However, increasingly, researchers are focusing on S-equol, the compound in soy isoflavones that actually appears to make soy effective in addressing menopausal symptoms. So, based on the evidence, it’s fairly unlikely that soy extract in a multivitamin is going to provide the relief you seek.
I’m not certain that their sponsored blog, Menopause Live, is going to either. Granted, sharing experiences via Menoplay (a video blog) is an empowering approach, but you have to wonder about the fact that the site reserves the right to edit the videos. Or the subtle implication that these women are not taking medications but rather, a vitamin everyday to cure what ails.
Look, I’m all for multivitamins and supplementation, physical activity, emotional support and sharing. But I don’t appreciate the veiled messaging or false claims that are not backed by research and data. I don’t like to be hyped, duped or taken advantage of. And I don’t support the idea of using women “just like you/me/them” to push product.
Do you really think that your symptoms are going to go away when you take a vitamin and push “play?” Doubtful.
Don’t believe everything you read, see or hear.
Read MoreDesigner muffs: cosmetic surgery below the belt – Guest Post by Jesse Mendes
A few months ago, I stirred the pot a bit by writing about genital cosmetic colorants and vaginal rejuvenation. The post was mostly well-received, although I did manage to anger one reader who accused me of ridiculing women who actually needed labiaplasty due to vaginal prolapse or stress incontinence issues. Then I met a writing colleague via Twitter who had similarly written labia amputation, clitoral hood removal and distortion of sexual aesthetics.
I am happy to continue the dialogue with this terrific post – Designer Vaginas. Please show writer and journalist Jesse Mendes some love (and a huge thanks for allowing me to repost this piece).
The push toward cosmetic surgery to “mask” the effects of aging is not news, and as the likes of Heidi Montag will attest, its practice is growing at an alarming rate with young women as well. What is talked about a lot less, though, is cosmetic surgery below the belt or, put another way and a lot more specifically, “designer vaginas” – a moniker granted it in a 2005 Globe and Mail article.
Both men and women today have wildly distorted impressions of so-called “normal” genitalia. Research repeatedly shows that women in particular are widely unfamiliar with real genital diversity, so they tend to rely on marketing and images provided by doctors and other professionals with ridiculously narrow aesthetic and sexual ideals. The reality is that the size, shape and form of a woman’s genitalia vary greatly, and change over time – we are as diverse “down there” as we are in our faces or our fingerprints.
That’s what I learned from the New View Campaign when I interviewed them several years ago. A grassroots organization formed in New York about 10 years ago, its purpose is, among other things, to challenge distorted messages about sexuality, and to expose aggressive marketing tactics that normalize women’s dissatisfaction with their bodies.
We’re talking women as young as 15 years old, going in for procedures such as drastic labia amputation or clitoral unhooding, with poor research on the consequences.
My question is this – how did we get here? How did we get to the point where we are so fucked up about our bodies, women of all ages are lopping off bits and pieces of their private parts in order to feel desirable?
The pressure to conform to a commonly agreed upon norm can be a highly oppressive force. We see and allow for diversity in nature much more easily than we do in our bodies, or for that matter, our sexual experiences. We’re always thinking about whether we measure up. Biologist and sex researcher Alfred Kinsey dedicated most of his life to educating people in this realm in the 1940s and 50s, yet we’re still dealing with a lot of the same (recycled) attitudes today.
Why are we so afraid of being different? As we age, and develop a more intimate relationship with our own bodies and our selves, this question might be more relevant than we think.
About Jesse…
Jesse Mendes is a freelance writer based in Toronto who is deeply committed to helping to change how older women are perceived in North America, and to dispeling the stigma around aging. Her blog, SeptemberMay, is dedicated to that. She came up with the concept of a dating site that celebrates the inherent eroticism, beauty and intelligence of the older woman. SeptemberMay will be launching later this year.
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