men

Guyside: Dealing with aging parents, guyside style.

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Jan 15, 2014 in aging, Boomer, exercise, Guyside, men, musings, osteoporosis | 1 comment

As parents age, we have to move from being “their child” to mutual independence to their dependence on us. It’s not always easy.

 One of the things about getting to this age (in my case, 47) is that you get the odd experience of parenting your parents.

I was about the last child in my generation. With both parents near the end of large families, I have a ton of cousins, many of whom are well into retirement by now. And as a late child (born to 41-year-olds), my mom (and my dad, until his death in 2012) is well into seniorhood.

It’s probably no surprise that the dynamics change when your parents age. As a child, we strive for independence from our parents. That lasts for some time and then, like a wave collapsing in on itself and running back into the ocean, dependence begins to reach back out from your parents to you.

Things that were easily done for years become more difficult. It becomes more challenging for the senior citizen to take on some of the frustrations of daily living. And if physical illnesses encroach, as they almost certainly will, that process can accelerate more and more as time goes on.

So here, from my own experience and with the help of some references I’ve found, are some tips for dealing with aging parents:

• Find ways to detach emotionally just a bit. It’s difficult to hear a parent in emotional or health difficulty. But if your emotions take over, it’s going to be difficult to truly help them. Create an outlet for your emotions, but then work on logic.
• Sometimes just listening is enough. As a guy, I know only too well I can jump to SOLVING THE PROBLEM. But sometimes, your parent won’t want a solution; they’ll want a set of ears.
• Talk to your parent or parents about power of attorney. There are times at which you may need to intercede. It’s easier to do that if you have arranged things in advance.
• Support anything your parents are interested in doing that will help their physical, emotional, or mental health. Got a 97-year-old (like my aunt) who loves to swim? Make sure he or she gets to the pool. Is someone a bridge player? Find them a club. Often, seniors lose friends and family members as they age, so new social links are important.
• Build relationships with their health care providers. As seniors age, it’s more likely they’ll have serious health concerns crop up. And seniors are more likely to have a more deferential attitude toward doctors and medical professionals than younger people. So it’s important that you be able to play a role in their health care. This doesn’t mean taking over; it can mean being a trusted resource, an advocate, or maybe just a drive to an appointment.

Guyside: Don’t let winter weigh you down

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Dec 18, 2013 in bone health, diet, exercise, Guyside, health, general, men, weight, weight gain | 0 comments

There may not be a five-mile skating rink like Ottawa’s Rideau Canal in your town. But there are lots of opportunities for physical activity, even when the days are short and temperatures drop.

Where I live, this is the darkest time of the year. Instead of a beautiful sunrise when I wake up, it’s dark. When my partner is walking home from her office, it’s also dark. The layers of clothing get added to. The gloves and the puffy jackets come out of the basement.  And the road bike gets brought inside and put on the trainer. Even though the winter solstice in December marks the is a welcome “bottom” to the year, before and after, the days are dark and short and cold.

When I was a kid, winter was the time for snow forts and snowmen and skating in the community rink while Anne Murray tunes scratched over the PA system.

Now, winter is the time of year where I have to shovel the driveway, wear heavy boots that I don’t like, and the time when I can’t ride (I know I could ride, but I’ve never been a winter cyclist type).

When it’s snowy and cold, It’s easy to find that hot new series to watch, to light a fire, pop some popcorn, and wait for spring. It’s just too tempting to simply hibernate in the house over the winter months. And it’s also a terrible idea when it comes to men’s health.

In Canada, studies show that people are nearly twice as likely to participate in any physical activity in summer compared to winter. And if you look at the sporting activities Canadians participate in, only two of the top 10 are winter sports. In Canada, it shouldn’t be surprising to anyone that ice hockey bumps up winter sports participation numbers, and even with the burgeoning popularity of women’s hockey it’s still predominantly male.

And the irony of all this is that when you exercise outdoes in the winter you burn up to 31% more calories than in warmer weather.

So, some tips for guys like me who don’t play hockey or ski for getting out there:

• “There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing” is an a age-old proverb. So if you’re going to invest, invest in good layers of clothing. Go to a store that specializes in outdoor gear for winter so that you can benefit from knowledgeable staff. Fitness magazine has some tips on how to dress for outdoor exercise.
• If you’re a beer-league hockey player, don’t just rely on the hockey to keep you fit. The start-stop nature of hockey can be dangerous for people who don’t have a good base of fitness.
• Some sports — hockey and skiing come to mind — can be pricey to participate in.  But skates and snowshoes are cheaper than fully kitting out for playing hockey or going downhill, and walking (with appropriate footwear that will keep you stable) is the cheapest form of all. I live in Ottawa, where for several weeks each year the Rideau Canal turns into a free five-mile skating rink (your hot chocolate will cost you, though). Also, rent before you buy if you aren’t sure if you’re going to stick to a given activity.
• Find a buddy. There will be times when you can’t drag your own sorry butt out for that workout, which is when you need the nagging, cajoling, and potential bribery of a friend to get you going. Use that help, and offer it to your workout buddy.
• If you just can’t stand winter, then bring your sport indoors. My road bike is hooked up to a trainer, so I have the opportunity to ride inside. Other people go to spinning classes to benefit from the motivation of others suffering around them (N.B.: One discovery from spinning — all that sweat that evaporates when you’re riding the bike outside turns into a puddle beneath the bike when you spin. Be warned.)
• Even if you don’t hit the gym in summer, many will offer “winter membership” or monthly memberships.

If your tendency, like mine, is to go to ground when exercising is no longer just a matter of tossing on a t-shirt, shorts, and going, then you, like me, have to just work a little harder to not give in. Besides, drinking that cocoa will feel SO much better if you skated five miles to get it.

Guyside: Get advocaty, dude

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Nov 20, 2013 in aging, Guyside, health, general, men | 0 comments

My forties have been a tumultuous time for me, healthwise. Essentially, I went from someone who had few problems physically or psychologically — at least ones I was willing to acknowledge, even to myself — to a rare diagnosis of bladder cancer, a bout of clinical depression, and some of the stresses and damages that go along with the clock.

I’ve lost a parent, a parent-in-law, and a number of friends. And one of the things that I’ve learned through my experiences and those of friends and loved ones is the value of being a self-advocate for your own health.

It’s not just a cliche that men don’t take care of themseves. It’s a fact. A 2011 article in Monitor on Psychology points out that not only do men take worse care of themselves than women, they are far less likely to seek health care out. That double whammy could contribute to men’s shorter life expectancy.

So how do we become better self-advocates?

First, we need to go to the doctor (or, in my case, the nurse practitioner), and we need to be more clear about why we’re there. A WebMD article tells the story of one man who visited Dr. Paul Haidet:

“A 50-year-old Boston dockworker with no serious illness in his past, the patient said the cough had been hanging on for three weeks. Haidet noted the details, performed a physical exam, and diagnosed an upper respiratory tract infection. “The guy had a cold,” Haidet tells WebMD. He recommended cough syrup and was about to leave, but something gave him pause. The patient “just had this weird look on his face,” Haidet recalls.

Haidet learned that the man’s best friend had recently died of lung cancer and when his friend was diagnosed, he had a very similar cough. As a longtime pack-a-day smoker, the patient was afraid his number was finally up.”

Second, do some research. I read a lot of stuff. And I try to read it critically, to understand the context. For example, if I read an article about a lawsuit over a bladder-cancer drug, I don’t have an immediate fear reaction; I learn the particulars. Be sure to use reputable sites like the Mayo Clinic, WebMD, the NIH, the AMA, or associations concerned with a disease.

3. When you’re in a doctor’s office or at a clinic, don’t just nod your head. Come in with questions, and be prepared to ask for clarification of terms or concepts that you don’t understand. The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality has a great checklist of questions for tests. That’s just one resource you can use.

4. Be politely persistent. I recently was searching out a referral to a specialist. Turned out the referral was being sent to the wrong place by my family practice. If I hadn’t been persistent in asking, who knows how long it might have taken to make it work. Because I discovered the error by checking with both sides of the transaction, I was able to ensure the connection was made, reducing my wait time.

These are just a few things we can do. If you’re looking for more ideas about self-advocacy, check out these resources:

• Seven Counties’ Introduction to Health Policy and Advocacy
• Be Your Own Health Advocate by WebMD
• The Center for Advancing Health
• “Be The Squeaky Wheel” by Care2

And remember: As of January 2014, Guyside will now be taking over the Wednesday Bubble slot, and if you’ve got something to say around the topics of men, health, and aging, we want to know. If you are interested in contributing, drop us a note at flashfree111@gmail.com.

Looking for a few good men…

Posted by Liz on Nov 1, 2013 in men, Uncategorized | 3 comments

No, I am not looking for a date! But I am looking for talented, male writers.

When I started this blog roughly 5 and a half years ago, my goal was to bring menopause out into the open, to promote dialogue, to remove stigma and to provide data-based, useful information about strategies to combat symptoms. Over the years, Flashfree has evolved to address midlife issues, career and self-growth. However, I realized that one critical piece of the puzzle was missing: the male point of view.

As much as I believe that women should rule the world (I kid!), the other half exists and influences how we think, how we behave and how we feel. Likewise, we do the same and sometimes without an intimate understanding of what makes the male psyche tick.

As we approach midlife and middle age, things start to shift, needs change, points of view alter and communication can break down. If my mission is to pave the midlife path and help you avoid some of the bumps and potholes, then I need to find a way to bridge the gap between the sexes.

Hence, Guyside.

And like all good things, Guyside is evolving.

Started over the summer by columnist, Bob LeDrew, Guyside is the male side of midlife and menopause and relationships and growing older. And as of the New Year, we’ll be making a few changes. Currently a once-monthly column, Guyside will now be taking over the Wednesday Bubble slot. And while we’ve got a few tricks up our sleeves and a couple of stellar male writers lined up to share some of the spotlight with Bob (as well as the trials and tribulations of this time of life), we are looking for a few good men, namely a few guys between the ages of 50 and 60 who know their way around a sentence or two.

If you are interested in contributing, drop us a note at flashfree111@gmail.com. Guyside is your side; it’s about time we’ve got some testosterone in these here parts!

Pondering the weighty subject of… weight.

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Oct 18, 2013 in aging, appearance, diet, Guyside, Inspiration, men, weight, weight gain | 0 comments

With the exception of magazines like Men’s Health, which are as obsessed with the six-pack as Cosmopolitan is the “sex trick” (probably NSFW, unless you work for yourself or in a VERY liberal workplace), I’m not sure men spend a whole lot of time or energy thinking about their weight.

Guyside columnist Bob LeDrew will never be mistaken for this person.

I know I don’t. But I do see a certain uptick in that “time spent thinking about diet” graph in recent years.

As an adolescent, I was blessed with a metabolism that burned everything I could shovel into my mouth and then some. And even through most of my adult life, I really haven’t thought about diet beyond “when is the next meal?”

But as I edge toward 50, I have started to make some changes. Why? First, I have seen that little band of blubber around my waist grow from a finger-width to what is probably 15-20 pounds of weight I don’t really need. Second, my encounter with bladder cancer in 2006 led to some increased concern about health in general. Third, it was always so simple when you could go out for beer and wings at will and never show any effect (my personal best: 80 wings with an unwise quantity of beer to wash ‘em down in an evening), but when you start to feel the hangover from booze as well as post-gluttonous digestive effects, it makes you think.

At least when it comes to body image, I think men and women are working from two separate objectives. It’s my belief that generally, women are more affected by pop-culture images of women than men. I don’t look at Hugh Jackman and think “I’m grotesque.” I think men are more tied to the body image of their younger selves, and that it takes some sort of breakthrough for a man to realize that his body isn’t the same at 47 as it was at 17, or 27.

And of course, it’s clear that we men have some real issues around body image — and body reality. Even if you think you’re fine, men in the United States have a real-life obesity problem. Check this out.

These guys show the “average” man from each of the US, Japan, the Netherlands, and France

I certainly am aware of this reality. And I would like to make some changes. I don’t need or want to turn into the aforementioned Mr. Jackman. So here’s an entirely arbitrary list of what I think is going on with my diet — what I am doing right, and what I am doing wrong at this point?

Good points:

• I don’t eat a lot of fried food
• My vegetable intake is good
• I eat fish at least once a week

Now the weak points:

• Too many canned soups for lunch (bad for the sodium count)
• My long-term love affair with all things chocolate needs to be pruned
• Not enough snacking action using “healthier things” like fruit or things that aren’t chocolate
• I like beer

I’m going to start doing two things. I’m going to track how many healthy snacks I eat and how much chocolate I consume. And every week, I’m going to update this table as a way of being accountable to you — and to me.

Guyside. As advertised on TV: selling men short

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Sep 23, 2013 in men, Uncategorized | 3 comments

It’s perhaps the easiest thing in the world to criticize TV advertising. Everybody sees an ad and find it puerile, stupid, offensive, or something. And there’s no doubt that women have been very poorly treated by all sorts of ads in the past and now, too. Objectified, used purely for their sexuality, portrayed as stupid — there’s a legendary description of advertising as “Two Cs in a K.” The K stands for kitchen; I’ll let you figure out what the C stands for.

But it ain’t so great for men either, out there. My personal favorite ads? Just for Men. Oh, Just For Men, how you sell men short. I’m divided over which of their campaigns is more patronizing and offensive: the one with two adorable daughters telling their dad “it’s time”:

The inexplicable “Beard Baby” ad:

Or the one with three retired athletes humiliating themselves in front of bimbos:

It’s not just hair commercials for older dudes. It’s razor commercials, and even commercials aimed at younger guys (AXE, anyone?). I wouldn’t even call it subliminal — it’s quite clear that for advertising aimed at men, the message is: “Use our product, get laid.” That makes very good sense… if you’re advertising an erectile dysfunction drug.

What bugs me about the advertising aimed at me is that the only reason for exercise, for grooming, or other products or services aimed at men, is heterosexual sex. Don’t get me wrong — I’m in pro-heterosexual sex. I just think (a) there’s more to the world than just a man and a woman having sex; and (b) there are more motivating factors in the world than that.

As a man, my frustration with ads targetting me makes me think about the ads targetting other demographic segments. I don’t doubt that other groups are as poorly served by TV ads aimed at them as men are by ads for “men’s products.” And so it’s no wonder that there’s so much kibitzing, good-natured and otherwise, about the poor job these ads do to communicate their messages.

Think of the difference between this razor commercial:

And this one:

To me, the difference is one of tone. One is cynical, relying on the brain-penis connection. The other is smart and self-referential, acknowledging that this really is just body wash, after all.

The success of the Old Spice ad campaign was phenomenal. But we need to continue to teach advertisers that men are more than leering adolescents, and that when you make ads like these, you sell men — and women — short.