Gal pals – your second self
Ever wonder why spending time with your girlfriends boosts your mood? Researchers from the University of Michigan report that emotional closeness increases progesterone levels and leads to greater bonding between people. Is it possible that social bonding and sharing may help to counteract waning progesterone levels during the the menopause transition as well?
To measure the influence of social bonding on progesterone levels, 160 female college students were randomly assigned to partners and asked to perform tasks:
- Ask one another specific questions geared towards allowing them to get to know one another better and promote emotional closeness (e.g. “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”)
- Proofread an “emotionally neutral” article together
Before and after each session, the researchers took saliva samples to measure progesterone and stress hormone (cortisol) levels. All sessions were held at the same time (between noon and 7 pm) to insure that factors such as fluctuating daily hormone levels would not interfere with the results. One week later, all study participants returned, played a computerized card game and had their hormone levels measured again.
The bonding between the women caused progesterone but not cortisol levels to increase. Moreover, an increase in progesterone levels tended to influence the likelihood and willingness to make sacrifices on behalf of a study partner (i.e. risk one’s life) when measured again one week later.
The researchers say that the study findings help to explain why social contact has well-documented health benefits. It also appears that progesterone, like other hormones involved in bonding and helping behavior, enables individuals to suppress self-interest in order to take care of family or friends.
I’ve written previously on the importance of social support and bonding, not only during the transition but during our entire lives. Clearly, helping and supporting our sisters during good and bad times helps overall wellbeing and lends our souls a bit of a boost on our journeys.
Give a gal pal a call, send a hug, provide a smile, caress her soul, take care of her “self” as much as yours’.
A friend, as it were, a second self. Cicero.
To thine own self
I’ve thought long and hard about the most appropriate way to honor the transition between 2008 and 2009. And I can think of none better than to be true.
Be true.
These words hold much meaning. They can change depending on the situation or individual. To me, they hold the essence of what makes us human, and what drives us to success or failure.
One of my favorite Poets, Rainier Maria Rilke, wrote:
Be patient towards all that is unresolved in you and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms, like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Live the questions now.
I believe that Rilke was giving us permission to be true to ourselves so that we can discover the answers that we seek.
To be true, yet kind and mindful of others – therein lies the challenge.
As women in midlife, we are faced with many challenges, obstacles to fully realizing who we are without disregarding those who mean most to us.
This year, I pledge to be true to myself and yet balance the centeredness of my “self” with the needs and desires of those around me.
Tell me, are you being/have you been true to yourself? And how important do you think that these two words are:
Be. True.
?
Read MoreWednesday Bubble: More inspiration from Patti Digh – Patti’s Gems
In my first two posts in my series about an interview I had with Author Patti Digh , I reflected on two key life lessons: 1) the importance of taking care of ourselves before we are truly able to take care of others, and 2) the need to go deeper than the symptom to discover who we are and what we truly want out of our lives. These sentiments are linked to two essays and several exercises in Patti’s 37 Days, which, once again, I encourage all of you to read.
The third and final post I am calling “Patti’s Gems.” (If you are reading this Patti, I’m not talking about your girls, although I am quite certain that they are the first thing to come to mind when you see the word “gems!”)
So, what do I mean by the phrase “Patti’s gems?”
When I first read ’37 Days,’ I felt that in some respects, the evolution of the lessons throughout the book echoed the transitions we make as we move through midlife. And more importantly, that certain chapters truly spoke to transitional “soul changes” to propel midlife divas forward in a positive and affirmative way.
I asked Patti if certain essays were more applicable to this time in our lives than others. “Yes…there are some that speak to part of the fear [about] what I’ve done with my life,” replied Patti. I had a very good resume when I started writing [37 Days]. From all external measures, I was very successful. And yet, I did not feel that internally and it [wasn’t] the work that I needed to be doing in the world.”
It wasn’t the work I needed to be doing in the world.
Are you doing the work that is feeding your soul, the work that you need to be doing versus what you are being told you need to be doing? If the answer is “no, maybe or I don’t know,” take heed; you’re in good company!
Fortunately, there are a number of gems in the book that Patti revealed with a wee bit of prodding, gems that might help to jumpstart those creative juices…
Gem number 1: Don’t stop to wave, you’ll drown.
Channeling the wonderful Eve Ensler, Patti writes that Eve once asked “why are women immobile? Because…they are waiting for permission….” She goes on to pose the following questions to the reader:
Are you waiting for permission to have and express your point of view? Are you waiting for an audience before doing the work you “must do?” Are you asking the questions and truly listening to the answers as if they really matter? Do you care too much about if people are going to like you if you speak your truth?
And at the moment you’re waving, wanting to be acknowledged for waving, be seen, praised…are you really drowning?
Patti tells us to “keep moving, keep seeing, keep knowing and keep saying what you know to be your truth.” Give yourself permission.
Gem number 2: Bust your toast rules
I’d prefer to let you read this essay yourselves because it’s priceless – just think Jack Nicholson in ‘Five Easy Pieces.‘
Here’s a challenge – take a close look at the rules you set for yourself, and ask yourself if you set them to serve “some social norm that is itself made up,” or to serve another person or a group?
Aren’t rules simply made up? Are some rules so ingrained in us that we can’t see them for what they are?
Have you made rules, set boundaries for yourself, followed patterns that you can’t see the forest for the trees? Do those rules make sense? Better yet, do the rules still make sense?
As Patti writes “concentrate on surfacing [your] patterns in order to change them.”
Gem number 3: Burn those jeans
Okay – be honest. How many sizes are hanging in your closet?! And why are you still holding on to the hope that one day, you will fit into those [fill in the blank]?
Patti writes to “replace the word ‘jeans’ with the albatross hanging around your neck, following you around through life, diverting your attention from the real goal, setting you up for failure.” Then ask yourself if the golden egg that you are pursuing is something that you’re setting yourself up for to feel badly (about not reaching it), instead of “good and right and strong.”
So, why are you putting your life on hold to reach the unattainable, unreasonable, un…goal? Do it now rather than “when….”
Gem number 4: Unpack your boxes
This metaphor, for a marriage that begins to unravel and the decisions that arise with regards to whether or not to leave or stay, or better yet, when to leave or stay, has a deeper meaning for many of us.
Patti writes that “piles of boxes are metaphorical architecture — they tell a story.” Unpack your boxes, stay awhile, she suggests. Commit to the swim, or go.
Are you staying in a marriage, a relationship, a job, a career, stagnating because you are afraid to unpack your boxes? Patti quotes Elisabeth Kubler-Ross..”As with migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a voice within if only we would listen to it, that tells us certainly when to go forth into the unknown.
Gem number 5: Trust only movement.
During our conversation, I asked Patti what she meant when she wrote “trust only movement.”
“I’m coming more and more to recognize…that the abstractions we use aren’t very helpful to us in times of need. Could I have a more intense connection with my life by saying yes? Open up for other people to be as full a human as I am? Integrity to speak up? Can I stand tall for what I believe but also open up the possibility that someone else’s belief is as valid to them as mine? To love more, to love myself more in order to love people more, to trust myself and pay attention to my gut in a significant way. And finally to slow down. Moving from abstraction to something that is embodied is really important.”
At the end of the day, it’s all about focusing, doing, fully engaging, feeling, and feeding, nurturing and acknowledging your soul. “Risk your significance” says Patti.
Risk your significance.
Guest Post: Careening towards midlife – how to make the transition
I can’t think a better way to start the week than with a guest post from one of my favorite business bloggers – Productivity Expert Kris Rowlands. Kris writes Fresh Focus and produces the enewsletter the Inner Sanctum. If you’re having difficulty organizing your time or getting things done, Kris is the guru to turn to. Thanks and say hello to Kris!
Liz and I chat on Twitter almost daily, and she invited me to do a guest post here at Flashfree. Thanks, Liz!
So, you’re careening towards midlife. The kids are out of the house and you are suddenly faced with the fact that you are no longer needed as you used to be. What do you do to make that transition easier?
If it was me in that situation, I’d sit down and make a list of all the things that I’ve wanted to do in life, but never had the chance. I’d also revel in the fact that I have every day to make a contribution to either myself, or someone else.
When you have made contributions into your own family for such a long time, it can leave a hole within yourself when you are no longer contributing as much. You suddenly realize that you have time to take care of yourself and maybe you’re not quite sure where to start. So let’s take a look at the areas of self that you’ll need to address.
- Body: You can now work on anything that you’ve wanted to do with your body. You can rejuvenate it by exercise, pamper it by going to the spa, or just really listen to what your body tells you, and take your direction from there. You’ve been so long listening to others and hearing their needs that you may need to tune back into your body to be able to hear it once again.
- Mind: Feed your mind! Go back to school, take some classes or seminars that have always interested you, or read to your hearts’ content. There are so many things to do to feed your mind nowadays that the options are endless.
- Soul: Get in tune with your soul. Depending on your beliefs, you could get involved in your church, join a support group to help others, or get your chakras aligned. You could also volunteer at an organization helping others or animals. The options are endless! Do what makes you feel good.
Most importantly, get back in touch with your “self”. Re-discover who you are and what your goals will be with the newly found time that you have on your hands.
What are you going to do or have you done to go through the transition? Let’s chat in the comments! I’d love to hear your thoughts!
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Kris Rowlands is a Professional Productivity & Organization Coach. You can find her daily on her blog, http://freshfocus.info. As well as blogging to the world, she also does private coaching and consultation, always with the utmost confidentiality. Her thoughts are new, unique, and with a fresh focus on Getting Things Done.
Wednesday Bubble: Jump Out of Your Own Shadow
[Image: Underwood, Philly Shadow, quilted silk]
Time for a bit of Wednesday inspiration.
On tap is a post that I am dedicating to author Patti Digh, whose wonderful ‘soul-help’ book ‘Life is a Verb‘ has been inspiring and challenging me for about a month now. If you’ve not heard of Patti or her book, I encourage you to take a look; her writing is fresh and the book is something you’ll revisit over and over again.
I hope to interview Patti for an in-depth exploration of her vision, as there are a few chapters that seem to be to be directed to mid-life. In the interim, here’s perfect little taste, an amuse bouche if you will.
“Today – not tomorrow – is the day to jump,” writes Patti Digh.
How often do we stall in a comfort or discomfort zone because we do not trust ourselves and our instincts?
We stay in an unhappy relationship rather than facing the truths underlying that unhappiness. We remain in uninspiring careers, live in a place we’d prefer not to live, continue to forge new relationships that are unhealthy or put x off ‘until tomorrow’ because, as Patti writes, “we need more data…about how and where and with whom we will land.”
How often have you found yourself looking for the “more” before cashing in your chips?
I believe that fear of the unknown can and should be turned into excitement about what’s just around the corner. This may sound odd coming from me; those who know me best will attest to the fact that I don’t “do” change well and never have.
And yet, I started my own business when many were encouraging me to stick with the old and seek another job in a field that I found very stagnant and stale. I left my home – NYC – after 20 years and moved to Maryland (even though I was terrified and tearful and completely sure that I was out of my mind). I finally took the carrot that my Ex had been dangling in front of me for months and ended an unhealthy and unhappy relationship.
At times, the road has been hard and painful and heart wrenching. But every single time that I’ve trusted my deep instincts, my gut feelings, and finally said “enough,” I’ve landed on my feet, happier, more fulfilled, and hopeful.
There is no better time like right this second to place fears about the unknown into a small box and close the lid. Remind yourself that the fabric of life is interwoven with all that is good and bad, that the small challenges are what forge growth, and that it is very possible that you are, as Patti writes, “casting your own shadows.”
So today, I am challenging you to take a leap of faith, and ‘jump out of your own shadow.’ Do something outside your normal comfort zone. Visit a new place that has been on your list of “must sees.” Volunteer at a non-profit organization whose activities stoke your creative fires. Join an alumni group and start networking for new career opportunities. Say hello to the cute guy at the gym who smiles at you everyday. Or better yet, try a social media community such as Twitter or Linkedin and take inspiration from what the rest of the world is challenging themselves to do. Take a class, set some limits… trust yourself.
Patti Digh says to remember that you are never more than three minutes from the ground.
Jump.
Bet you’ll be glad that you did.
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