Masking tape..more from my interview with Patti Digh
In the post ‘Go deeper than the symptom‘ I talked about wonderful self-growth that can occur when we allow ourselves to break down the barriers and go below the symptom, shed our egos and reveal our souls. These wonderful thoughts came from Author Patti Digh, whose book, 37 days, continues to inspire.
One of the things we discussed during our interview are the natural transitions that accompany the psychological and emotional aspects of midlife. Patti noted that there are few essays that are relevant to this process and those transitions that we are going through.
Among the many lessons we learn as we grow older, there’s none more important than realizing how critical it is to better take care of ourselves so that we are better prepared to take care of others. Something Patti aptly refers to as ‘Put on your own mask first.’
“If you don’t put on your own mask first, you’ll be of no use to others who might need your help,” writes Patti. The mask she is referring to is an oxygen mask during emergencies on a plane but the analogy applies to so many aspects of our lives.
Who do you neglect the most when you are taking care of your [fill in the blank]? As life swirls around you and days rush by, whose needs have you forgotten?
“I wrote these chapters because I need to learn the lessons myself,” Patti explains. “I’m a person whose outwardly focused in terms of caretaking for other people and that is both positive and negative sometimes. And there’s a capacity to have a savior complex around that as well. So, I’m not really good at taking care of myself nor am I, until very recently, good at asking for help.”
Sound familiar?
Patti suggests that our generation has the disadvantage of measuring our success, least partially, by how well we take care of people. “I think that the impulse behind the whole of the book [is to] leave some part of your self behind, to pay attention to your own stories.”
But does paying attention to your ‘own stories’ mean that you are doing so at the expense of someone else?
Patti believes that we don’t put ourselves first for fear of being called selfish. And wonders if taking care of or saving others is simply a diversion…from saving ourselves. Pretty intuitive, if you ask me.
I believe that there is room for both – to care for others and to care for ourselves simultaneously. This takes a lot of work and a tremendous amount of energy. And even scarier, what’s left of the savior is we allow her to expose a few less than admirable traits, the dark side? Or allow the soul to relish in its solitude so that it is able to grow and expand and flourish?
Ask yourself. Are you holding it all together with little bits of masking tape while you devote all that energy to doing for others? And is the tape starting to crack with age?
Slow down long enough to put on your own mask, Patti writes. And “while you’re tightening the straps, ponder the wacky possibility that the people you are trying to save don’t need saving. If you lose consciousness, you won’t be any help to them anyway.”
To move this idea forward, take 30 minutes every day to be alone. And try this for 37 days, taking note of how you feel, if you need and cherish it, and if it is making any difference in how you approach yourself and others that you constantly take care of. This exercise, along with a focused free write, can be accessed in Patti’s book.
Today, I challenge your to give yourself the gift of solitude, selflessness and self-love. Put on your own mask and remove the bits of tape that are just barely holding it together while you give give give and run run run and never stop to breathe.
Read MoreWednesday Bubble: Go deeper than the symptom
Too often we find ourselves paying attention to what we want to “do” as opposed to what we want to “be.” I’m not referring to the smaller “be,” as in, I want to be a ____ when I grow up. But rather, the intrinsic yearning that forms the fabric of our souls and lays the foundation for our footing.
I spoke with the extraordinarily gifted Patti Digh last week to discuss her book, 37 Days, and try to gain some insight into the book’s messages. Patti shared much of the magic behind her words and our conversation was so inspiring and provocative that I have decided to break up the interview into several posts. Today, I’d love to share with you what Patti said about yearning and how it defines who were are.
So what does Patti mean when she says “go deeper than the symptom?”
“I do a lot of work around story,” explains Patti, adding that author Robert Olin Butler once said that “story is yearning meeting an obstacle.” She describes meeting lots of folks during her book tour and having conversations about what it is that they yearn to do. Not be, but do, the bigger picture if you will. For example, “it’s not so much that I want to open a gift shop,” she says, “but there’s a yearning below that.”
The challenge lies in gaining a larger sense of what the yearning is that is driving the desires and also, what the obstacles are.
When was the last time you stopped yourself from doing something because of lack of money or time or overcommitments? And do you truly believe that these are the real obstacles or is there something larger lurking below the surface that is keeping you from moving forward?
“A lot of times we stay at the surface of things and we don’t go below that to [explore] what’s beneath that, and beneath that, and beneath that,” notes Patti.
In essence, what Patti is describing is the distinction between the self and the soul. Not surprisingly, her book has been described by critics as a “soul-help” book. But what does this truly mean?
“I think that self is a construction of sorts that we learn very early in life to create to protect ourselves, to ingratiate ourselves to others, to play, to perform in the world that we find ourselves living in. So I think that there’s a deeper part of us that is untouched by that and if you can tap into that, you are better able to blossom and hold space for who you are.” Self, on the other hand, is more ego-driven and a barrier to soul and the connections to ourselves and others.
Within each of the book’s six sections are essays, followed by an action step, often a writing exercise, that allows the reader to tap into process of change, and then a movement challenge, which for all intents and purposes, provides a strategy to move abstract thought or change into reality so it becomes a permanent part of your fabric.
Start with “I”
In the second chapter of 37 Days, appropriately named “Start with I,” Patti writes that she stepped back from three years of writing and suddenly “saw patterns of colors, lines, contexts, and meaning that never existed while on the ground.” Perhaps patterns keep emerging because we keep not seeing them, she says. What would happen if you suddenly started to inhabit your life, rather than living right on the surface?
So ask yourself, as Patti did: What is holding you back from fully participating in your own life? And when was the last time you gave up the”self” to “go below the symptom?”
So today, I am challenging myself to stop waiting for permission, throw away the excuses and start breaking down the barriers that prevent me from defining my yearning and stepping into my full potential. I am going to start by taking care of the “I.”
What about you? Why not try to dip your toes, even if it’s baby steps. Today, go deeper than the symptom.
Read MoreWednesday Bubble: Blue
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LhwlsaA-Vc]
Mid-life depression is a real issue. But are your blue feelings due to depression or to menopause? That is, is depressed mood in middle aged women a result of aging and some of the emotional or pyschological factors that accompanies it, or due to hormonal changes during the transition?
Experts still are not certain of the association and to date, research has demonstrated contradictory results, with some studies showing a correlation between depression and menopause and others, none. Other studies suggest mood declines during early stages of menopause followed by improvements as vasomotor and other symptoms start to wane.
However, what the data do appear to show is that there are several time periods in a woman’s life in which she is more vulnerable to depressive symptoms, e.g., pre-menstruation, postpartum and of course, during the menopausal transition. What’s more, data from the Melbourne Women’s Mid-Life suggest that a prior history of depression and having negative feelings about menopause can increase risk. Additionally, menopausal-onset depression and the start of vasomotor symptoms during the early stages of menopause appear to be linked.
Personally, I believe that drastic changes in one’s body, in moods and appearance, as well as some serious self-exploration and self-analysis, also play a role.
So, what can you do when you feel blue?
Transdermal estrogen delivered via a patch that is applied to the skin appears to even out estrogen fluctuations that may affect mood during the menopause. For women for whom estrogen is not an option and who are not interested in trying antidepressants, (whose effects, btw, may vary depending on age), St. John’s Wort (hypericum) extract may be a viable and effective option. A recent analysis of 29 studies enrolling almost 5,500 patients showed that St. John’s Wort extract:
- is superior to placebo tablets in patients with major depression
- is as effective as standard antidepressants
- has fewer side effects than standard antidepressants
So, how should you take St. John’s Wort? Well, like any herb, it’s best to consult with a practitioner well-versed in herbal therapy rather than reaching for a bottle in your local drugstore. Many therapists are also joining the band wagon and may be able to provide advice.
In earlier posts, I wrote how exercise can help to improve mood symptoms. And ironically, a glass of red wine daily also has been shown to improve mood and quality of life, although if you’re taking medications for depression, alcohol is counterintuitive.
So, tell me? Are you feeling blue on a more regular basis? What seems to help (or not help)?
Read MoreAmy’s Top 10
My BBFF Amy posted the top 10 search terms that people use to find her blog ‘I could cry but I don’t have the time.’ Number one?
Am I menopausal or insane?
I think that this one stands on its own.
Read MoreFasten your seatbelts
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Are extreme mood swings that occur primarily in perimenopausal women solely the result of fluctuating and declining ovarian hormones?
Experts disagree over the cause of mood issues during the menopause, and raise questions about the role of co-stressors, such as empty nest syndrome, aging, work, assessment and expectations about goals and achievements, and of course, vasomotor symptoms and associated problems (e.g. hot flashes/night sweats/sleep disturbances/cycle changes, etc).
Of late, a lot of attention has been focused on the link between depression and menopause. Yet, research suggests that a history of PMS and depression earlier in life as well as other psyschosocial and cultural factors, actually account for depressed mood and depression among menopausal women. Other study findings have shown that PMS and perceived stress are significantly linked to irritability and mood swings.
The good news is that across the board, studies show that mood disturbances tend to diminish as one moves through the menopause. However, what should you do when the blues/anger/irritability/fatigue/crying spells hit?
In previous posts, I’ve discussed the potential benefits of exercise, meditation, red wine (!) and St. John’s wort. I’ve also run across a few things written about the benefits of phytoestrogens (plant-like compounds that act in the body like estrogen). However, presently, a preponderance of evidence appears to support a greater role for phytoestrogens for bone and heart than for mental health. I’m committed to searching the literature for additional interventions but in the interim, I welcome your feedback and personal experiences.
Read MorePartly cloudy
[Credit: ‘Depression.’ Bronze. 2000. Created by Susan Paloschi. http://www.susanpaloschi.com/]
[Special thanks to Susan Paloschi for permission to use this image. Please visit her website to see the rest of her works.]
Last week I posted information about a small study that shows that depression during the perimenopausal years can be alleviated by exercise. I believe that this topic is truly worthy of further exploration.
Seems that women entering the perimenopause have a two-fold higher risk of developing significant symptoms of depression than women who are not undergoing this transition. This is especially true of women already experiencing hot flashes. What’s more, this risk tends to occur in women who had never previously experienced any depressive symptoms. While fluctuating hormone levels may not be the only culprits, research suggests that they have a direct involvement.
So in addition to exercise, what can you do to counteract occasional or persistent feelings of depression? Firstly, take comfort in knowing that these feelings, like your declining hormones, are transient and may eventually dissipate. If symptoms are severe enough, a low-dose antidepressant can definitely help as well. In fact, I know quite a few women who have gone on antidepressants to help stabilize their moods during the perimenopausal period. A thorough evaluation by a gynecologist, followed by a session by a psychiatrist, can determine if a short-term of antidepressants may help.
If you prefer to go the herbal route, St. John’s wort might be of help. St. John’s wort has been used for centuries for mood disorders, and while data suggest that it might not be effective for major depression, there is solid evidence from clinical trials to support its use in milder cases. Be aware that you may not exeperience relief immediately since like many herbal therapies, it takes awhile to kick in. Again, it’s best to see a specialist in herbal medicine who can guide you with regards to dosage and regimen and also advise on possible contraindications, if any.
I’m a true believer that the sun can shine through on partly cloudy days. When the blues hit, well, there is definitely some steps you can take. It’s all about finding an approach that works for you.
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