Search results for friendships

Pink elephant

Posted by Liz on Jan 12, 2009 in career | 6 comments

In 1980, I worked as an intern on the municipal bonds floor of a well-known brokerage/financial institution. Although it was certainly not my “thang,” I learned a tremendous amount about how the business world operated, and most importantly, about the games that people play.

One thing that struck me in particular at that time was the role of women in this business and how they dressed and behaved. Women were not abundant in positions of power, and those who were, well, in some respects, they emulated men; they were aggressive, competitive and not particularly kind to one another.

Clearly, things have changed drastically in the almost three decades that have followed. But one thing that hasn’t changed much is how sisters act in the workplace.

A line from this wonderful article that appeared in yesterday’s New York Times made me realize that certain stereotypes continue to perpetuate bad behavior. And, that as Author Peggy Klaus so aptly writes, “the pink elephant is lurking in the room and we pretend it’s not there.”

The pink elephant is lurking in the room.

Klaus’ point is that rather than help build each others career, women often work to derail each other, engaging instead in “verbal abuse, job sabotage, misuse of authority and destroying of relationships.” She cites data suggesting that this type of behavior is directed from women to women >70% of the time, while the men who are “bullies in the workplace,” direct their aggression equally to both genders.

Klaus offers numerous reasons why women become aggressors in the workplace: scarcity of positions, bootstrap (I pulled myself up, why should I help you?) and hyperemotionality that leads to an overinvestment in workplace occurrences that cause them to hold grudges.

Her point, however, is not to determine the why but rather, engage one another to put an end to this type of behavior.

I’ve written previously that as we grow older, friendships and support of one another are essential to our overall wellbeing. Regardless of whether its in the workplace or in our personal lives, supportive relationships allow the soul to flourish and grow. Personal resources as they pertain to social support also help see us through the rougher aspects of menopause.

Should women give preferential treatment to one another? No, absolutely not. But as Klaus says, perhaps we should start treating one another as we want our “nieces, daughters, granddaughters an sisters to be treated.” We should simply… acknowledge the pink elephant in the room. And show it the door.

Wednesday Bubble: Midlife is not a four-letter word!

Posted by Liz on Oct 21, 2008 in women's health | 13 comments

“The cultural narrative provided for women at midlife is either medical and menopause oriented — hot flashes, osteoporosis, heart disease, the estrogen replacement therapy decision — or socially devaluing –“empty nest,” a fertility has-been, abandoned for a younger woman, depressed.”

Wow! I read this introduction to a study that was published in the journal Social Work in the late 90’s and it got me thinking: what’s wrong with this picture?

Is midlife truly nature’s death sentence, a curse, a crumbling foundation foretelling a  life well (or not so well) spent? When does this characterization become a self-fulfilling prophecy? And what can we do, as midlifers, to reverse this image? After all, change has to start somewhere, right?

A perfect place to initiate change is from a place within and a place outside of ourselves — by distinguishing ourselves from generations of women who came before us (for whom a self-view was often seen as selfish and whose opportunity to work outside the home was often trumped by the lack of quality positions) — and by asserting and reasserting our identities.

Are these steps in-line with the study findings?

The researchers, who investigated midlife experiences of 103 women between the ages of 40 and 59 reported the following:

• Respondents expressed high degrees of well-being, with 72.5% indicating that they were “very happy” or “happy,” and 64.3%, that this time was “not very confusing” or “not confusing at all.” However, despite being happy, many women still found this time of their lives challenging.

• Women who reported being most satisfied in their lives had a family income of at least $30,000 or more (which in today’s economy, is roughly equivalent to a little over $40,000), had good health, had at least one confidante or group of friends, had a high self-esteem, were not prone to self-denigration, and had a benign super ego.

One particular discovery that I find intriguing was that the groups scoring both the highest and lowest in midlife satisfaction unanimously agreed that what they liked best about midlife was increased independence and freedom, including freedom from worrying what others thought and freedom to develop a self-identity.

Not surprisingly, what women disliked the most about being middle-aged were physical changes, i.e. decreased energy, gray hair, wrinkles and extra weight.

Women scoring the highest in satisfaction and well-being also stated that they disliked the divide between how they saw themselves and how they imagined society saw them (positively and unattractive, respectively).  Also at odds was the fact that they felt that men of the same age were revered for gray hair and wrinkles and did not lose social value in the same way that women did.

So, what are the biggest take-away messages?

• What matters most is not what women have but what they do with it
• Women actively participating in their lives and looking forward to new opportunities were the most satisfied
• Having a social world or at least one confidante with whom to speak freely and honestly about themselves, and feel understood, was critical
• Three selfs were also essential to wellbeing: self-effectance, self-acceptance and self-esteem

I know that certain things have changed since this study was published, such as the fact that research dollars are now being diverted away from simply looking at midlife changes in men and broadly applying the results across the genders,  towards exploring midlife changes and how they specifically affect women’s health. What hasn’t changed, however, is the invisibility factor, that somehow, women over age 40 are no longer relevant.

So this is what I say:

Be relevant. Take the reins and effect change. Take a chance, a plunge. Value yourself. Embrace your friendships and your life. Grieve your former self and celebrate who are you are and who you will become.

Michelle Shocked once wrote “When I grow up, I want to be an old woman.”

When I grow up, I want to be. What about you?

I Got All My Sisters And Me…

Posted by Liz on Aug 31, 2008 in women's health | 2 comments

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ2L4iPvdIk]

Last week, I posted a piece about the importance of friendships and social support to our lives. Researchers agree that during the menopausal transition, the ability to nurture and nourish ties, coupled with overall satisfaction with that work, significantly predicts well-being.

A subset of 334 women from the Seattle Midlife Women’s Health Study were evaluated over a period of 8 years to determine the association between factors such as frequency and severity of hot flashes, hormone levels, number of negative life events and resources pertaining to mastery over and satisfaction with social support and overall well-being.

Study findings showed that for the majority, the menopause transition itself was not a predictor of well-being. Rather, when considered within a broader life context, one primary factor stood out – personal resources as they pertain to social support.

Undoubtedly, menopause can wreak havoc on our lifestyles, the way that we feel about ourselves and at times, the ability or inability to cope. ‘Tending and befriending,’  nurturing our personal relationships,  communicating to one another when we need help, finding a shoulder to cry on or simply offering a hug not only reaffirms who we are but can also provide an essential foundation to see us through.

One of my favorite Aristotle quotes is this one:

What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies.

Cherish your soul today.  Call or email a friend. Reach out to a family member you’ve not spoken to in awhile. Say hello to that neighbor you’ve been meaning to talk to but never find the time to. Mostly, take the time to well, take the time. You’ll be glad you did.

L’Chaim

Posted by Liz on Aug 24, 2008 in women's health | 2 comments

“Life before death.”

My mother told me a story yesterday when we spoke. She said that years ago, a dear friend’s mother died the day before the friend’s daughter was getting married. In Judaism, those who pass are typically buried with 24 hours. This is dictated by the Torah. Kabbalah teachings also suggest that immediate burial brings closure to the soul in terms of its relationship to the physical body, thereby allowing it to pass over. In this particular situation, the rabbi told my mother’s friend to have the wedding first, and then the funeral.

Life before death.

Although my mother told me this story within another context, I relate it to connections and their growing importance in our lives as we age.

Data from a study published in Psychological Review in 2000 suggests that women’s inherent response to stress is to ‘tend and befriend’ rather than ‘fight or flight;’ in other words, there is a biologically-defined strategy or pattern that involves caring for offspring, joining social groups, and gravitating towards friends under stressful circumstances. This is driven, at least in part, by the release of the hormone oxytocin, which coupled with endogenous opioids and other sex hormones, promotes maternal behavior as an alternative to the male-oriented fight and flee response.

Findings from the Nurses Health Study have also shown that friendships help prevent the development of physical impairment and facilitate a more joyful existence. What’s more, having a strong social network can lower blood pressure and heart rate and improve cholesterol levels.

Our community is ever more important as we begin to lose family members to illness, our children begin their own journeys and our hormones start to wreak havoc on our bodies and our minds. Nature has provided us with a built-in prompt to maintain those ever important bonds. Our inherent tendency to nurture completes the picture.

It appears that as women, we possess the strongest alternative strategy to aging in existance. Our friends.

L’chaim.

Losing Your Mind?

Posted by Liz on Aug 8, 2008 in women's health | 3 comments

[Pictured: Lakshmi, Parvati and Saraswati. Hindu godesses]

Researchers would have you believe that being single has something to do it.

Musings of a Midlife Diva posted this story earlier this week and I was curious enough to see if I could delve a bit deeper.

Evidently, researchers from Sweden have found that maintaining regular social interaction as one ages is one of the keys to optimal brain health and potentially, decreasing the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. However, they attribute brain health to the intensity of social and intellectual stimulation that accompanies married life and couple relationships.

In this study, presented at the Alzheimer’s Association International Conference last month in Chicago, 1,449 individuals were examined at midlife and then 21 years later. The findings showed that people living with a partner in mid-life were less likely to be cognitively impaired,and had a 50% lower risk of developing dementia in later life. What’s more, persons whose spouses died before they reached middle age and who did not remarry had a more than six-fold higher risk of developing Alzheimer’s.

Delving a bit deeper, I learned that the reason for living alone is key. In fact, study participants who were widowed or divorced were worse off than those who were single.  What’s more, an interaction was found between carrying the gene for Alzheimer’s and being/staying widowed although the researchers could not explain why.

There’s a hidden lesson in these study findings: sisterhood.

As Mid Life Diva emphasizes in her post, the researchers did not address the importance of community, especially sisterhood. Indeed, the degree of intellectual and social stimulation that can be derived outside a marriage was not accounted for in these findings.

As we move through the transition and changes in our midlives, it becomes more important than ever to celebrate our friendships and our connections. Afterall, a marriage of like-minded souls is what fuels our imaginations, stimulates our senses and keeps things fresh and new. While I agree that intimacy fulfills needs that friendships can’t, at the end of the day it’s my sistahs who will ultimately see me through and keep me sane.