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GUYSIDE: The king is dead, long live the king!

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Dec 31, 2014 in general, Guyside, Inspiration, men | 0 comments

CC-licenced image by Flickr user Mark Ramsay This is a bit of a valedictory for Guyside. After 54 happy posts here on FlashFree, we’re at the end of the road. Asking guys to contribute to a site about menopause was a bit of a courageous and audacious move, which fits this blog’s major-domo Liz Scherer quite well.

And as the writer of most of these posts, I am glad she asked me, and addicted enough to doing this that I’ll be continuing the Guyside tradition on another site, while the archives will always be available here, with my posts, as well as the other Guyside contributors Danny Brown and Rich Becker.

Want to know more?

Listen to this Skype conversation between Liz and I. Happy and Healthy New Year, and stay tuned for more!

Image: CC-licenced by Flickr user Mark Ramsay

Guyside: Do you have recovery time covered in your exercise?

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Nov 19, 2014 in aging, exercise, Guyside, humour, Inspiration, joint pain, men, yoga | 0 comments

Yoga. How hard can that be, right? Just a bunch women accessorizing and lying around on mats, right?

Sitting on a mat? How hard could that be?

Uh-uh. As I type this, my large thigh muscles are complaining, and my abdominal muscles are providing harmony vocals. All this after an “ambitious” session of Kundalini yoga on Monday. As in so many instances, my pain is my fault, for two reasons:

I have had a fairly indolent fall, with not nearly the same level of activity — yoga or otherwise — that I might expect normally.
Being reasonably competitive and interested in seeing what others were doing in the class, I wanted to show that I wasn’t some Kundalini newbie. So I pushed myself.

And here I sit, waiting for my muscles to stop being mad at me.

Time was that such foolhardiness on my part wouldn’t have been NEARLY as big a deal. Gluttony, sudden spurts of exercise, alcoholic overindulgence, nights with very little sleep — it all was part of the game, and I (or at least I think) was able to perform quite fine under all sorts of self-imposed constraints. Now, it’s a different story. I can have late nights, but there will be a price to pay. The days of 80-chicken-wing sprees accompanied by pitchers of beer? Gone. And as my yoga experience has shown me (not for the first time), I need to gauge my level of effort when exercising and prepare for recovery time.

And it’s not just me. Science says so. An article in the Encyclopedia of Sports Medicine and Science states baldly that “The recommended dose of exercise should do no more than leave the participant pleasantly tired on the following day. Recovery processes proceed slowly, and vigorous training should thus be pursued on alternate days.” And a Harvard Men’s Health Watch article points out (too late for me this time) that it’s best to “Work yourself back into shape gradually after a layoff, particularly after illness or injury.”

This week, I brought my bike in from the garage to set it up for winter training. If I have learned one thing from Monday’s yoga class, it’s that while I can do stuff, I can do stuff better if I do it with an eye to gently bringing myself up to speed, rather than exploding out of the gate.

And the benefits of physical activity are so great and diverse that there’s no argument against moving a bit more. Now, can someone pass the Ben-Gay?

Photo: cc-licenced image from Flickr user Jamie Ramos.

Guyside: What is it that power does again?

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Nov 5, 2014 in emotions, Guyside, Inspiration, men, sexuality | 2 comments

Oh yes. Corrupts.

Up here in Canada, people of a certain age and persuasion have been bathed in utter sordidness for the last week, as one of the stories I wrote about last week — that of national radio host Jian Ghomeshi — has gotten worse, and worse, and then worse again.

To recap: Ghomeshi was the host of a nationally-broadcast show on CBC Radio (and on 180 or so NPR stations in the US), a regular contributor to the CBC’s national TV newscast, and a host of a number of high-profile cultural events. He was the personification of an organization seeking a younger, hipper demographic. About a week ago, it was suddenly announced that he was taking an indefinite leave. The immediate assumption was that he was taking time to deal with his father’s recent death.

But by Sunday, he’d written a 1600-word Facebook post that said he was fired, and fired because of revelations of his private sexual behaviour (what he described as being “adventurous in the bedroom”) made by a jilted ex-girlfriend. By now, he’s been the subject of allegations of both workplace sexual harassment and of assaultive behaviour with women in his life, some of whom remain anonymous and some of whom have gone public. His career is in tatters, he’s gone to ground, a Toronto police investigation is underway, his former employer has launched a major inquiry, and a national conversation has begun, thanks to the Twitter hashtag #beenrapedneverreported.

So this is about power. If the allegations against Ghomeshi are true, it seems clear that his power as a media personality allowed him to behave in a reprehensible way with little fear of being “called out” for it. In fact, one producer on his radio show who reported harassing behaviour was allegedly told “he’ll never change, so what can you do to make the workplace less toxic?” by the show’s executive producer.

So here’s the thing. If you are a man who is abusive of women, a sexual harasser, not much I will say here will resonate. But I’ll simply say STOP. Stop what you’re doing. But if you’re not, if you’re horrified by the thought that women are dry-humped in the workplace, that a male colleague would whisper in a female colleague’s ear “I want to hate-f*** you,” etc.: then you’re with me. We need to stop tolerating this in our fellow men. We need to be the sunlight that disinfects the places we work and live to ensure that EVERYone can work and live without fear of assault; we need to be willing to make noise.

If there’s something that this whole tawdry story has taught — or can teach — men, it’s that THIS IS NOT JUST A WOMEN’S PROBLEM. And as I edge toward being a “senior” person in contexts, I’ve realized that while whatever power I possess can corrupt, it can also disinfect, if I have the courage to use it. Who’s with me?

Guyside: the power of ritual

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Oct 15, 2014 in emotions, Guyside, Inspiration, musings | 0 comments

I’ve mentioned in a previous Guyside that my mother died in August. And yesterday, my brother and I were informed that her house — our house — had sold. For me, it’s been an odd experience. It’s a home my grandfather built in the ‘teens and twenties in a small coal-mining town. My mom and her siblings grew up in that house; after getting married, my dad moved in, and my two brothers and I grew up there. Soon, I’ll be flying home (an ironic phrase, now) to do the final paperwork and hand off the house to its new owner.

It’s one more step along the road to a different phase of life; the phase when your parents are gone. I suppose I was lucky to have had a dad until the age of 46 and a mom until 48. There are many people who don’t have that long with their parents. But I’ve been thinking about the power of ritual in the wake of this big stuff happening.

For a long time, I kept a bottle of good single-malt Scotch around that got opened once per year, on my birthday. I’d pour myself a dram (it didn’t last as long as you might think; I have a heavy elbow) and think about the year past and the year to come, and then I’d scribble a little note on the box, noting where I was, who was around at the time, and the circumstances of that particular drink. It was a lovely ritual. And we need those things.

I host a fundraising concert in my city every year. And if you found me backstage before the show begins, you’ll find me… jumping up and down in my tuxedo. Why do I do that? I don’t know where it started. But in my mind, it’s a way to build up the energy that I want to have when I go out onstage. If I didn’t do it? I think I’d still be able to fulfil my role, but it makes me feel better to do it.

And I’m far from the only one. A Scientific American article points to some athletes who take rituals into the realm of superstition. According to the article, baseball player Wade Boggs woke up “woke up at the same time each day, ate chicken before each game, took exactly 117 ground balls in practice, took batting practice at 5:17, and ran sprints at 7:17. (Boggs also wrote the Hebrew word Chai (“living”) in the dirt before each at bat. Boggs was not Jewish.)”

And mourning brings on all sorts of ritual acts. From Hindus cutting their hair to Jewish men growing beards, from silence to loud wailing, we have rituals that in some cases are part of a religious belief, sometimes are cultural, and sometimes all our own. And the Harvard Business School behavioural scientists who wrote in Scientific American about ritual describe an experiment that suggests that a ritual (even one that’s made up on the spot) can mitigate grief.

The power of the ritual, to my mind, isn’t in channelling some external force. It’s in your mind. Part of it is just designating time, space, and energy to the event related to the ritual. I think when we do that, we give our emotions a green light to be expressed. And the introspection that a ritual almost demands is always a good thing.

I’m not a religious man, so I won’t be praying as I walk through the family home for the last time. But I’ll be thinking of the many good and bad things that made up my life there, as well as my the lives of my parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I’ll try to fix them in my memory, and I’ll thank the house for being there for me for so long, and I’ll hope that the next family to live there finds it a good home. I don’t think the house will be listening and I don’t expect a response. But I want to do it nonetheless.

Do you have rituals that provide meaning in your life? Tell me about them in the comments.

(photo: CC-licenced by Flickr user visualpanic)

Reinventing Women: Unfolding in divine time – meet Laura Ann Klein

Posted by Liz on Oct 10, 2014 in career, Inspiration | 6 comments

Life never quite unfolds as we plan. And it seems that sometimes, if not often, the universe has a different idea than we do about timing. This is the story of Laura Ann Klein’s reinvention, a work in progress, if you will. But then again, we are consistently on a journey and our work is always in progress, right?!

When Laura Ann first answered the most recent open call for stories of reinvention, she did so with a response that has resonated ever since I first laid eyes on it: “calendars for change don’t always match the Universe’s.”

She is in the midst of yet a third reinvention in her life, this time, one that focuses on altering the course of her 31 year nursing career. While a few recent financial curve balls have caused her to delay her plans, she remains committed to her journey to return to leave her nursing career, return to school and establish a passive income stream. The impetus for these changes is surprising. She points to a a fractured vertebrae in her back, explaining that the injury should have left her wheelchair-bound or even dead, and that it was a wake up call to action for a woman who had been coasting in her comfort zone for far too long.

As a nurse, Laura Ann works telephonically with catastrophically ill patients. She says that all of them have one disease or another that will eventually lead to the end of their lives. “Many of them have invested huge amounts of time in jobs that suddenly feel meaningless to them,” and that experience of caring for such ll patients coupled with a consciousness altering injury amplified a truism: “life is fleeting and we must revel in it and do our heart’s desire and passion as we move toward our inevitable ends.” The result for Laura Ann has been a renewed ability to ask for help, seize the day and capture joy in everything, no matter what.

The path ahead is paved with uncertainty. As a divorced mother of two adults sons — one out of college and one still in — Laura Ann knows that the financial assistance that she can offer is limited. Despite her enthusiasm for change, a passive income is an option that requires a bump in the timing department. Mind you, this does not mean that Laura Ann has given up; she stresses that she remains committed to her reinvention. Her advice to others? “For the love of all that is sacred in your heart, pay off your debts, cash out and live your dreams. Find your bliss and the money will follow.” More importantly, don’t perpetuate a disservice by continuing to do the same thing day in and day out without a firm commitment. “Our time is so short on this earth and we’re not meant to suffer under the weight of a job that we hate or a career that we can no longer draw any passion for.”

Laura Ann reminds herself daily that ‘it’s all unfolding in the divine time.’ The Universe works in mysterious ways and for Laura Ann, it has provided her with “big medicine” pointing her in the direction of the next path. Jumping off a platform into the water, bottom down, a move that left her injured with eyes wide open, might have been one of the best things that has ever happened to her. She says that it’s critical to do whatever it takes to leave your comfort zone.

Close your eyes. Jump, unfold into the divine.

About Laura Ann…

When her ‘nest’ emptied a few years ago, Laura Ann thought that she’d sell her home in the suburbs and move to an 800 square foot apartment in the middle of a big city downtown. But, a yellow house appeared in her horizon and she landed instead on the outskirts of a ‘big little town.” Everything changed, sweeter than ever. Check her out at http://yellowhousedays.com and https://www.facebook.com/Yellowhousedays.

Guyside: Men, health, and denial.

Posted by Bob LeDrew on Sep 17, 2014 in emotions, Guyside, Inspiration, men, work, Work/occupation | 1 comment

I can’t believe I’m writing a post here inspired by Rob Ford. And yet, here I go.

This is not about Rob Ford’s politics, or about his consumption of various substances both licit and il. This is about male denial around health issues. The famous (notorious?) mayor of Toronto’s 2014 re-election campaign was derailed by the announcement that a tumour had been discovered in his abdomen on September 9. The tumour is, apparently, being analyzed in preparation for treatment at a Toronto hospital.

One of the things that leapt out at me from the first stories about this latest roller-coaster development in the Ford story was this quote from a story in the Toronto Star:

Ford was complaining of “left, lower quadrant abdominal pain” for three months before the pain became “unbearable” Wednesday morning, Devlin said.

Since the initial tests on Ford, he’s also apparently had a lung biopsy, and an update on his health is expected later today (September 17, as I write this.)

Combine this with two other facts: one, that Ford’s father died in 2006 of colon cancer, and two, that Ford had a tumour on his appendix in 2009 that necessitated the removal of his appendix and part of his colon, and you have what appears to be the classic case of a man refusing to seek medical assistance. I’m no psychic, but I don’t have a good feeling about this.

In this, Ford is far from alone. A 2005 literature review in the Journal of Advanced Nursing showed that men are much less likely to seek medical help than women for disorders ranging from psychological disorders to physical disabilities. One UK study identified men’s refusal to seek help as the most important medical issue for men. And another UK report points out that while men are considered “advantaged” in many areas (salaries, for example), our health outcomes are worse than women’s.

Whether it’s machismo, stoicism, putting work or other factors before health, or something else, too many men are ignoring symptoms, assuming they’ll go away, or simply lying to themselves about their health. And it’s costing people their lives. One of the saddest findings of the Men’s Health Forum report is that when men do present themselves for assistance, the disease in question is too often at a later, more serious stage. Another sad fact is that men are far less likely to seek assistance for psychological conditions like depression.

When I first saw blood in my urine in 2006, I did two things: told my partner and went to my clinic. My bladder cancer was discovered at an early stage, and I’ve been lucky enough to not require radiation, chemo, or catheterization from more severe forms of cancer. If I’d shrugged off that first sign, what might have happened?

For your own sake, and the sake of those who love you: go to your doctor, your nurse-practitioner, or whatever other health professional you ought to go to, especially when something unusual happens.

Creative Commons-licenced photo by Flickr user Alistair Gilfillan.

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