Speaking of blondes…Hot flashes and 20 other symptoms of menopause

Posted by Liz on Jan 21, 2009 in humour | 5 comments

Have I got your attention yet?

Since this is a week of change, I thought I’d swap Wednesday’s Bubble out for a guest post by my Twitter friend, The Daily Blonde, known to her friends as Cheryl Phillips. I caught this post on Cheryl’s blog and knew it was a winner. Enjoy!

I got the good news about a year ago. My doctor told me that I was in “perimenopause.” Peri meaning what? I’m only going to be on the big old mood swing occasionally? Far be it for me to say, but I like some consistency in my life. I don’t want to do things half-assed. I want my mood swings to be on a regular basis so they don’t sneak in and scare me…or anyone else for that matter.

Menopause. Figures there’s the word “men” in it. They’ve always caused me to pause. Never mind the pausing, they’ve caused me sweat, anxiety, mood swings and general pain. But then there have been a few who’ve just made me hot. Those are the men worth pausing for.

Back to me. (I like it when it’s back to me. With five children I only get a few “me” moments…mostly when I lock the bathroom door and hide.) OK, I keep digressing. I thought I’d do a search on the symptoms of menopause (since apparently that’s where I’m headed). I think I had one of the major symptoms today in the supermarket. As I paid for my items the sweat poured down my face and pooled in my ever so sexy sports bra. I was trying to look very “together” in my puddle of sweat. It was 20 degrees outside and not much warmer in the market. I felt like I was on fire.

The clerk was about 17 years old. I told her that she’d be just like me in about 30 years and to enjoy her inner air conditioning. Mine just seemed to stop working. She didn’t make eye contact with me after I scared her. Poor thing.

I love to research things. Usually things more pleasant than menopause, but hell, this is REAL life. The first website I came across about menopause had a list of twenty symptoms. Twenty?? Isn’t one symptom enough? As I perused the list, I was so hoping to find nausea, vomiting and occasional diarrhea. Aren’t those typical side effects for just about every medication on the market? It must be the same for menopause. Sure enough, that’s #18 on the list.

Here goes….oh so much to look forward to!

1. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes: OK, I’ve got that!
2. Clammy feeling: Not yet…can’t wait!
3. Irregular heart beat: Only if my phone rings at 3am
   
4. Irritability: This has been going on for one day a month since I was eleven years old.
5. Mood swings, sudden tears: I’m a pretty chipper chick. I do like a good cry though. Mood swings? Me? What are YOU TALKING ABOUT??? I am PERFECTLY FINE!!!! OK??????? Hey, want to snuggle?
6. Trouble sleeping through the night: I am an insomniac. I wouldn’t know the difference.
7. Irregular heavier periods or shorter periods: Of course, I got a combination…shorter, heavier. Hey, that sounds like me aging–shorter and heavier.
8. Loss of libido: This will never happen to me. I keep repeating this and believing in it. Losing my sense of humor and my libido would be dreadful.
9. Hair Growth: Not sure what this is about but there is a three letter word ladies: WAX
10. Crashing fatigue: Got it. Got it. Got it.
11. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease: Yes…I’m extremely anxious about getting all of these symptoms.
12. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom: This is why people get feelings of doom…because they read these lists and panic. Not me. I write about them and laugh. Sort of.
13. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion: I’ve given birth to five children in 24 years. These symptoms were part of the parenting package.
14. Disturbing memory lapses: I’ve had this for years. I just make lists now and try to keep track of where I put them.
15. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing: I laugh often and haven’t peed my pants yet.
16. Itchy, crawly skin: I only get this when I see my ex-husband.
17. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons: This is the result of having my knee sliced open three times this year, not menopause.
18. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea: I will not allow this to happen. Ever. OK, I’ll pick nausea if I have to pick one. That’s it.
19. Weight gain: This is something to look forward to!
20. Changes in body odor: I assume this doesn’t mean I’ll be smelling like Chanel No.5 ??