Do women lie when they act perfect? A guest post by Kathy Korman Frey
Ain’t no Wednesday Bubble but some inspiration. And I’m certainly inspired! Every now and then, you run into a person who is creating a new paradigm, one woman at a time. That woman is Kathy Korman Frey, aka @chiefhotmomma on Twitter, entrepreneur, educator and founder of the Hot Mommas Project and #sisU: Sisterhood University project. Kathy’s focus is to raise the self-efficacy of women and girls through exposure to role models. This approach echos the approach to our healthcare that I’ve been trying to impart since starting Flashfree: by talking to one another, sharing experiences, creating lasting support networks and crowdsourcing, women are better able to care for themselves (and those around them) and make decisions about their health that are not only sensible but also, make the most sense for them.
Hence, when I read the following post written by Kathy, I knew that it needed to be reposted on here We are always trying to be superwomen, aren’t we? Whether it’s our career or health, Isn’t it time to create a posse of empowerment?
A post by Athena Vongalis-Macrow and Andrea Gallant on the blog of Harvard Business School Publishing is entitled: Stop Stereotyping Female Leaders. The myth of the “superwoman” is discussed, and how this myth continues to be perpetuated by women themselves. This is sad not only because women feel pressure to appear or be perfect, but also because this is what we are teaching the next generation. Expectations are killing women across this great nation of ours…both expectations of ourselves, and those from others whether actual or perceived.
Many articles and books have been written on this topic, such as Michele Woodward’s “I am Not Superwoman” and Tal Ben-Shahar’s “The Pursuit of Perfect.” But are we listening? And, furthermore, how can we turn that listening into action?
A little story: Between the ages of one and one-half and six, my son had a “posse.” An occupational therapist, a behavior consultant, and various and sundry experts that would come into and out of our lives in between “special” parent-teacher conferences. My son would do everything he could to hold it together at school, and then have outbursts at home which included banging his head on the floor or wall. It’s shocking, isn’t it? Just imagining a child doing this. There isn’t even a word to describe how it felt to me as a parent. It turned out that his brain was ahead of his ability to express his feelings. So, well, he freaked out. Today, we have a happy boy on our hands. But I’ll never forget those days.
So, how does this relate to women being authentic leaders? Two things:
Get a Posse
During that time of crisis with our son, we had a “posse.” This was our group of experts to whom we could turn for advice and counsel. The posse helped. And my point for women is: Get a posse. More women are working, more dual income households, more masters degrees than men, more PhDs then men…I mean, hey, we’ve got it going on. But, some things don’t change…like our caregiving responsibilities or fundamental female neurology as brilliantly described in Louann Brizendine’s “The Female Brain.” Are you not worthy of a posse of experts? We’d do it for our kids. We’d do if we were diagnosed with an illness. So, why not now? As mentioned at the recent Sisterhood University (#sisUdc), we all need a personal board of advisors. The problems will come and go. The questions. The challenges. Even the celebrations. But the personal board of advisors – the “posse” – remains.
Develop a Vocabulary of Honesty
This is not for everyone…but the strong ones of us must continue to develop a “vocabulary” of honesty around our challenges. Back to the example of my son’s time of crisis: One particularly gifted behavior consultant had a knack for tapping into smart and sensitive children. She encouraged us to increase our “feelings” vocabulary around the house. For instance, when I would say, “Mommy feels frustrated,” my son now had a word to place on his own feelings. It was calming. It was re-affirming. What started off sounding kind of corny to me actually healed us as a family. In addition to running our house in an incredibly structured manner, this single piece of advice worked. Thus, women need to increase and model the right vocabulary in this strange new world which feels like a kind of “life moon bounce.” But how?
I recommend the following:
- 1/3 challenge – Talk about the challenge. Make it real. Validate your concerns, or those of your “posse” members.
- 2/3 solution – Then, talk about how you solved it, or how you think about it, or – perhaps you’re still struggling with it and you’ve just decided to be in transition. The latter two thirds of the conversation should be about actions, and perspectives that help.
Women: This is your chance to act as teachers and mentors
Women, please take the time to do the hard work and the thinking on this. Be willing to communicate your experiences to other women and the next generation. Why do you think I’m putting all this stuff out there about my son…a deeply personal topic? To help, that’s why. And women, if someone asks you “Why do you seem so perfect?” Stop. Think. Remember: This is a time to perpetuate a myth, or join a member of someone’s “posse” as an expert who models the right behavior.
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About the author…Kathy Korman Frey is an entrepreneur, educator and founder of the Hot Mommas Project and #sisU: Sisterhood University. Frey teaches Women’s Entrepreneurial Leadership at the George Washington University School of Business, and is also one of the nation’s top business bloggers. She currently lives in Washington, DC where she struggles daily to cling to reality while raising her entrepreneur husband, Josh, their children Maxwell and Delilah, and dog Foxy Frey.
Read MoreWednesday Bubble: HRT? Everybody must get kidney-stoned
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skOKkBqxGcE]
Everybody must get stoned? If you are using HRT, this may be the case. Straight out of the headlines of the American Medical Association’s Archives of Internal Medicine: Healthy women who use HRT may be at increased risk of kidney stones.
You hear about them. But what are kidney stones?
Kidney stones are hard masses the develop when crystals separate out from the urine. Many factors interact to form stone and they are influenced by both genetics and the environment. Although they are often prevented by naturally occurring chemicals before they actually form, when they occur, they can cause extreme pain. Over time, they may actually damage the kidneys. And while kidney stones more commonly affect more men than women up to a certain age, by the time a woman reaches 50, this discrepancy balances out, possibly because estrogen may have a protective effect up until this time.
So, if estrogen is good and protective, what goes wrong when you add it back to the mix?
The findings...In the latest analysis of what is now becoming the infamous Women’s Health Initiative Study, researchers evaluated over 10,000 women in natural menopause who had taken estrogen only (Premarin), estrogen plus progestin (Preempro) or placebo. After an average of 5 to 7 years (depending on which agent the women were taking), women taking hormones, either alone or in combination, had a 21% increased risk of developing kidney stones. When the researchers excluded women who stopped using hormones during the actual trial from the analysis, the likelihood of developing kidney stones increased to 39%. Moreover, study researchers were unable to attribute the increased risk to any other factors, including age, ethnicity, BMI, prior use of hormones or intake of coffee or thyroid medication. Writing in Annals, however, they did note that the way that kidneys stone are formed is complex, and that estrogen may play a role in several stages of that formation and requires further study.
According to the researchers, about 5% to 7% of women reaching menopause will develop kidney stones. My friends over at Reuters health, who did an excellent recap of this study, note that in combination with hormone therapy, this risk increases up to 10%, despite that addition of progestin.
In addition to avoiding hormone therapy, the best thing to do to prevent kidney stones is to hydrate! If you have a tendency to form stones, the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney diseases recommends that you drink enough fluids, preferably water, to produce about 2 quarts of urine a day. Changing your diet can help too: some experts recommend limiting dairy and proteins that are high in calcium. The best thing to do, as always, is to do some preliminary research and then contact your health practitioner.
So getting stoned? How about losing the HRT? Another bubble burst for a failed therapy.
Read MoreMake new friends, but keep the old…
I’m heading West this morning. Way West. And way, way back in time. To 1961 in fact.
For the next six days, I’ll be visiting a woman who I’ve known since I was 3 months old. Long time, right? What strikes me about this particular vacation is that I am stepping back in time and yet, celebrating the now.
We lost contact in high school and reconnected after college. I used to see her regularly when I was living in NYC and she’d come for a month’s worth of painting and art classes.
She reminds of me the good things about my past. And the importance of friends and continuity as we grow older. And while we may live miles away and our daily lives are truly as different as night and day, she is a huge part of my fabric.
And she gets away with calling me ‘Lizzie Tish!’
Read MoreGender and age inequality in film…and all that jazz
Back in March, 2009, I wrote a post about the lack of roles for middle-aged women in film. Of the many inspirations for the topic, the most important was that a good friend had just had her screenplay (which largely focuses on a middle-aged female cast) rejected by the powers that be in Hollywood.
Hence, I was not surprised to learn that findings from a study released earlier this year by the USC Annenburg School for Communication and Journalism demonstrated that women continue to comprise the minority both on the screen and behind the camera, except when they are driving decisions, e.g., as directors, producers and even as writers. After analyzing the top 100-grossing films of 2007 for prevalence/nature of male and female speaking roles, gender of behind the scenes workers and specific characteristics driving the story, the researchers found that:
- Less than a third (29.9%) of 4,379 speaking characters/roles were female
- Less than 20% (n=18) of the films sampled featured a solo female as a main character
- Only 2.7% (n=3) of the directors, 11.2% (n=35) of the writers and 20.5% (n=174) of the producers were women; in other words, women comprised only 17% of all directors, writers and producers of these films, while men accounted for 83%
- Films with at least one female director tended to depict a greater percentage of girls and women on screen (44.6% or n=70) although in this analysis, there were only 3 directors. The researchers state they they observed a similar interaction between the sex of the director and number of women on screen when analyzing Academy Award Best Picture nominated films between the years 19777-2006. Conversely, when men were the film directors, the percentage of women onscreen declined by almost 50% (to 29.3% or n= 1,238)
- To a lesser extent, having female writers or producers tended to feature more women on-screen
More disturbing, women who played on-screen parts tended to function as eye candy, and were thin, physically attractive and wore more revealing clothing. This changed when they were in leading roles and given worthier pursuits, such as fighting societal and personal injustices. Not surprisingly, however, when the leading females were lost, they tended to turn to men or employment to fill their void. Female relationships, when explored, tended to provide conflict within the story and did not necessarily portray the supportive side of these relationships.
One thing I find especially interesting about this research is that it didn’t focus much on age divisions except for with regards to how women are portrayed on screen. In this regard, the researchers noted that the films that portrayed women were more concerrned with their nubile qualities, meaning that they were overwhelmingly young and sexy. When age was taken into account, women between the agers of 40 and 64 only comprised less than a quarter (23.8%) of the characters while women between the ages of 21 and 39 comprised more than half (53.2%). (Note that comparable figures for men were 38.6% and 44.1%, respectively.)
Not only does the gender gap in entertainment continue to exist within many layers of the industry, but it doesn’t appear to have changed much over several decades, despite the inroads made by women in other areas of society.
Clearly, women need to leverage what little power they have in the industry to change this paradigm. Still, one troubling factor remains – middle age is equivalent to “has been,” even when the director, writer or producer is a woman. Women like Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren are not even a dime a dozen but exceptions to every rule that’s been made, at least when it comes to entertainment. I’ve read numerous articles on women in television news being pushed out their jobs because of their age.
Don’t you think that we we need to step back and ask ourselves how an empowered woman can better empower all of her female peers?
Read MoreFemale Viagra hits a new low in the bedroom
I was going to devote another post to “Low T’ and male “menopause” today. Check back on Monday for that because the early news out of the Food and Drug Administration, whose Reproductive Health Advisory Committee is set to meet today to decide on a final verdict, is that flibanserin falls short of its promise to improve women’s sexual desire. Citing issues with the manufacturer’s data, the FDA says that studies do not show significant improvement in a woman’s sexual desire and also fails to note the significant side effects associated with flibanserin, including depression, dizziness and nausea. The ultimate decision could possibly deal a huge blow for profits that could exceed $2 billion dollars.
Importantly, it appears that hype about flibanersin (and more specifically, low sexual desire) has reached a new low. Not only have the company’s marketing efforts pushing the “fact” that one in 10 women suffer from low sexual desire (this figures varies in the medical literature), but the company even funded a Discovery Channel documentary to promote greater awareness of the disorder, a documentary that featured company-paid experts and was reviewed by the company before it aired.
As I’ve written time and again, low sexual desire is a serious and troublesome problem in women that can significantly affect quality of life, self-esteem and relationships. Some experts dispute that female sexual disorder even exists (although clinical experience in postmenopausal women speaks otherwise). However, whether or not you believe in low sexual desire, one thing remains true: when it comes to sex, women operate on a different plane than their male peers. Studies have shown that sexual desire in women is highly reliant on context, experience and personal attitudes. Therefore, you can’t simply fix the symptom without exploring underlying contributing factors.
Do we need another pill in the bedroom? Do we need a female viagra? I hope that the FDA Reproductive Health Committee tells Boehringer “no.”
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